· Commentary

"Hello, I am Joe Buck and I am an announcer for Fox sports and I am disgusted."

"Hello, I am James, "J.B." Brown, a sports analyst for Fox and I am disgusted."

"Hello, we are the NFL and we are disgusted."

"Hello, we are ESPN and we are disgusted."

Joe: "Randy Moss of the Minnesota Vikings is disgusting because after catching a touchdown pass he performed a fake mooning of Green Bay Packer fans in the end zone and that was disgusting. I will finish telling you why it was disgusting right after this ad for Levitra, the erectile dysfunction pill."

J.B.: "I just want to tell you how disgusting Randy Moss is. He is very disgusting. And I will tell you just how disgusting, but first a reminder that it's just a little more than 11 minutes now until the premiere of the great new Fox show "24" which will feature plenty of great explosions and gunfire and human beings being eviscerated and mangled and blown to bits."

Joe: "I'm just sorry a national TV audience had to see on live television what Randy Moss just did. That was disgusting. Doesn't he know there are children watching? I just hope this will not scar them for life or breed any ill thoughts. Maybe we at Fox can ease the pain by showing one more gratuitous shot of scantily clad cheerleaders flopping all over the sidelines."

ESPN: "We at the nation's leading sports network couldn't agree more. Randy Moss is disgusting. So disgusting that we will refuse to show you a replay of his moon mocking. You, the viewer, are too fragile to watch such disgustingness. Fortunately, though, you are not so fragile that you can't watch our new female-clothes-challenged drama "Tilt." True, Randy Moss kept his clothes on, but it is the way he kept his clothes on. Our "Tilt" girls are more honest and honesty can in no way be called disgusting. Disgusting like Randy Moss."

Joe: "OK, we're back from the brief, non-disgusting commercial messages for various other erectile dysfunction advertisements - my favorite is where the guy throws the football through the tire. Get it? Isn't that cute? Unfortunately, not everything in life is so clever and wholesome as erectile dysfunction ads, and I am speaking specifically of Randy Moss who is disgusting. In fact, I bet he doesn't even have to take Levitra or Cevalis or Viagra or that 'natural enhancement' stuff."

NFL: "Obviously it is our job to heavily fine Randy Moss for being disgusting, which we will do as soon as we stop chuckling over ABC's Monday Night Football ad where the naked chick jumps into the arms of a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles. Did you see that? And the buzz it created was way cool. You can't buy that kind of pub. Which is why we are so disgusted by Randy Moss. Certainly, we expect that kind of lewd, disgusting act at a Super Bowl halftime show featuring Janet Jackson, but not here.

J.B.: "...and then there's that Fox show where they swap wives. I tell you, Howie, I couldn't take my eyes off that one. By the way, nice commercial with the two Radio Shack babes leering at you. Major props. Almost as good as the Fox show where they take those hideous, white-trash loser chicks and suck all the fat out of them and surgically rearrange their faces until they look good enough to at least have some reasonable chance of being picked up in a bar at 2 in the morning by some grinning lawn mower mechanic."

ESPN: "Granted J.B., but we would argue that Fox's midget show and the one with the orphan picking out her daddy for cash have nothing on our glorification of obsessive gambling as demonstrated by our 1,909,359th hour of World Series of Poker reruns where people bet their life savings on a queen-jack unsuited."

J.B. "Nothing against your World Series of Poker, but I hardly think it beats 40 dwarfs strapped to a jet airliner and racing against an elephant."

NFL: "Well those are both fine shows, no question, but I think for real highbrow entertainment you have to consider NFL sponsor Coors and their ads that feature a guy getting drunk with a couple of twins.

Joe: "Guys, guys, you're getting off the point. We are supposed to be focused on the sickness that is permeating today's society."

J.B., ESPN, NFL: "The Bravo network?"

Joe: "No, Randy Moss."

All: "DISGUSTING!"

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.