Just once, can't some guy go shopping in Hagerstown without taking off his clothes?

Less than a week after a fellow toodle-ooed his way through the Centre at Hagerstown shopping center, another gent had what Janet Jackson would call a wardrobe malfunction in a store in the same location. And later he was credited with "airing his concerns" before a clerk at a local tanning salon.

Once again, the police - who, all things being even, would probably rather shoot it out with crack addicts in a Philly ghetto than manhandle naked guys - were called to the scene.

I don't know why they call the police. They ought to call Levi Strauss. "One Levi 501, respond Code 3 with a pair of pants."

Fortunately I have a keener insight on how cops feel about this thanks to Mike in Massachusetts, who sent me a link to a column in the Atlanta-Journal Constitution written by a police detective named Steve Rose. Rose described the aftermath of a routine police stop which went bad when the driver stripped:

"And so once again a police officer was faced with a decision that all police officers know may come at some time in their career. Whether or how to tackle a naked guy. In the old days, officers who had tackled naked guys had nobody to talk to. You were expected to be a tough guy. Just suck it up and go on! Some could, but others, over time, suffered the effects of post-naked-guy-tackling-syndrome (P.N.G.T.S.)

"After years of ignoring the problem, we've finally been able to address it and have been successful in getting the officers the help they need and back on their feet. Now, as soon as an officer is involved with a naked-guy incident, grief counselors are parachuted in with minutes of the hazmat team's arrival.

"After being completely cleansed, and his or her uniform burned, the officer is taken to the recovery area where grief counselors go to work, accompanied by the music of Enya, on the restoration of the officer's sanity."

So there you go. I'm sure local police will be happy to know this is not an isolated problem. Not even close. I also got a note from Scott in San Jose, Calif., who wrote that they had a streaker at one of their Wal-Marts last week as well.

Oh I'm sure that you, sitting in your comfortable homes, would like to think these are just random, isolated incidents and not some sort of nationwide plot. Even the cops seem blind to what is really happening here.

Hagerstown Police Sgt. Paul Kifer said of last Saturday's strip show, "He's not being violent whatsoever; I have no idea why this guy is doing it."

I do.

Think about it. What's the one activity that guys hate more than anything, that doesn't involve community theater? That's right, shopping.

Tell me that subconsciously women aren't starting to take notice of this trend: Guy goes into the retail district and sheds his clothing. Somewhere, as Stephen King would say, a cold finger has to be pressing against their hearts.

Could we be seeing the beginning of the Great Male Shopping Liberation Movement? It's possible. And it's possible that it's just crazy enough to work. They ain't noooo way she's going to haul your tuchus to the Pottery Barn if she has even the remotest idea that said tuchus might see the light of day.

In truth, we're probably about two Full Montys away from really making an impact on the female psyche. Try this, guys: Next time she asks you to go to the mall with her, calmly remove your belt and lay it on the dresser. Then give her a big smile and say: "I'm ready."

Tell me that she won't hesitate and then say "You know, Earl, come to think of it, I'll go by myself, because I believe that you really ought to be staying at home and watching more football."

If you have a better explanation of why people are stripping in retail districts, and why those people are always men, I'd like to hear it.

Although that does bring up a point from another reader who - upon seeing my past request not to be called every time there's a streaker - wrote to the editor and asked: "I understand that Tim doesn't want me to call him if I see a nude guy at the mall, but what if it's a gal?"

Let me be clear on this point. If it's a guy, leave me alone. But if it's a gal I am open to the possibility of being more judicious.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.