Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado .
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
" What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ' s next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."
Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush and said,
"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesnt say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do you want?"
"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
Full Version: Joke of the Day
Yoss! I was going to post that a while back, but I was afraid I'd offend someone 
As a public service to all the women I'd like you to know what your up against. I hope this helps 
International rules of manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
After wrecking your boss' car.
One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may pass gas in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion.
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
International rules of manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
After wrecking your boss' car.
One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may pass gas in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion.
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
That's really funny...I'm passing it along to all my guy friends 
flatulent entertainment...
flatulent entertainment...
Just don't tell them who you got it from. they will yank my manhood card
My lips are sealed!
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU F*CK ING AS*HOLE....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU F*CK ING AS*HOLE....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"
Thank Was Funny
HoH jokes
Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing!
What are the symptoms?
It's a show about a little yellow family, but what
has that got to do with my problem?
Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.
First hard of hearing dude says, "Brrrrr, it's windy!"
Second one says, "No...it's Thursday."
Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."
I noticed a deaf couple in the library talking to each other, evidently in a heated argument. The wife was getting more upset, using large signs, her husband could see that she was upset. Finally, he took both her hands in his, and signed, "Honey, you don't have to yell, I am not blind!"
Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing!
What are the symptoms?
It's a show about a little yellow family, but what
has that got to do with my problem?
Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.
First hard of hearing dude says, "Brrrrr, it's windy!"
Second one says, "No...it's Thursday."
Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."
I noticed a deaf couple in the library talking to each other, evidently in a heated argument. The wife was getting more upset, using large signs, her husband could see that she was upset. Finally, he took both her hands in his, and signed, "Honey, you don't have to yell, I am not blind!"
These three friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
A nun, a duck, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender turns to them and says;
"What is this - some kind of joke?"
The bartender turns to them and says;
"What is this - some kind of joke?"
We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Either way, the funeral is Saturday
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep stuff now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack
in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into
the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle
nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with
great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for
himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old timers...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
"youth challenged" than others!!
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Either way, the funeral is Saturday
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep stuff now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack
in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into
the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle
nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with
great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for
himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old timers...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
"youth challenged" than others!!
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...................................49.
Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful................................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free spirit.............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded........................Desperate.
Outgoing...............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =I'm gay
40-ish...................................49.
Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful................................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free spirit.............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded........................Desperate.
Outgoing...............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =I'm gay
Subject: Letter to Congress
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures
it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me
and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your loyal constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures
it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me
and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your loyal constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to go into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl, and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot! She reluctantly asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That is a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. "What's the boy's name?
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot! She reluctantly asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That is a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. "What's the boy's name?
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
A couple of blonde jokes........
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
It was quite obvious he was trying to put one over on me so I told him: " just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. Then I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would ! pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....He didn't call back.
Guess I proved to him who was the smart one huh???
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even louder. She pushed her knee and ankle and screamed loud enough to wake the dead. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
It was quite obvious he was trying to put one over on me so I told him: " just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. Then I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would ! pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....He didn't call back.
Guess I proved to him who was the smart one huh???
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even louder. She pushed her knee and ankle and screamed loud enough to wake the dead. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
This is really more like the joke of the century but I didn’t want to start another joke thread and I’m sure that more people will read it here anyway.
My apologies for being slightly off-topic but I felt that this was more important than forum etiquette. After all, in this case the joke is on us.
He should have hired a lobbyist. lol:
My apologies for being slightly off-topic but I felt that this was more important than forum etiquette. After all, in this case the joke is on us.
He should have hired a lobbyist. lol:
QUOTE (Idiot @ Aug 27 2006, 02:34 PM) 
This is really more like the joke of the century but I didn’t want to start another joke thread and I’m sure that more people will read it here anyway.
My apologies for being slightly off-topic but I felt that this was more important than forum etiquette. After all, in this case the joke is on us.
He should have hired a lobbyist. lol:
My apologies for being slightly off-topic but I felt that this was more important than forum etiquette. After all, in this case the joke is on us.
He should have hired a lobbyist. lol:
I don't get it?!?
Did Al Gore write that?!?!
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest... The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest... The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of The engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and Asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up And asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:
http://mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg
A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of The engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and Asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up And asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:
http://mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
(Scroll down!!)
"W I N A B A G E L"
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
(Scroll down!!)
"W I N A B A G E L"
Monks
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're
just waiting.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're
just waiting.
QUOTE (City Park Dad @ Sep 15 2006, 08:59 PM)
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
That's what you think!
QUOTE (Monk @ Sep 18 2006, 08:13 PM)
That's what you think!
QUOTE (Monk @ Sep 18 2006, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (City Park Dad @ Sep 15 2006, 08:59 PM)
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
That's what you think!
Now THAT'S funny!
Two Tennessee farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"Well that's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "Well listen up and I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No." Bob says.
"Then you're a queer."
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"Well that's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "Well listen up and I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No." Bob says.
"Then you're a queer."
For those who remember the early Hollywood Squares
shows, these are
funny...
> > If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and
> > its comics, this may
> > bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions
> and
> > answers are from
> > the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show
> > responses were spontaneous,
> > not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was
> > the host asking the
> > questions, of course.
> >
> >
> > Q. Do female frogs croak?
> > A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
> under
> > water long enough.
> >
> >
> > Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at
> > least how high should
> > you be?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
> > should do it.
> >
> >
> > Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
> > years.
> > A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
> > sometimes.
> >
> >
> > Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
> > you probably a man or
> > a woman?
> > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
> awake.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a
> > stranger at a party and you
> > think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
> out
> > and ask him if he's
> > married?
> > A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
> >
> >
> > Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as
> > you get older?
> > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
> >
> >
> > Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
> > to say "I Love You"?
> > A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
> > pineapple and a twenty.
> >
> >
> > Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't
> Get
> > Enough"?
> > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
> from
> > the next apartment.
> >
> >
> > Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more
> or
> > less with your
> > hands while talking?
> > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
> > question Peter, and I'll
> > give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
> >
> >
> > Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
> easily.
> >
> >
> > Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
> > strawberries. Are you going to
> > get any during the first year?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
> > growing strawberries.
> >
> >
> > Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
> > subjects at nudist
> > camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> >
> >
> > Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom
> or
> > in the closet?
> > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always
> safe
> > in the bedroom.
> >
> >
> > Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
> > A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
> >
> >
> > Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his
> > tail. What will a
> > goose do?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
> >
> >
> > Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
> > you give birth to?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
> > afraid of the dark.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything
> wrong
> > with getting into
> > the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of
> your
> > body, what is it?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
> certainly
> > isn't neglected.
> >
> >
> > Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
> > horseradish on his head,
> > what was he trying to do?
> > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
> >
> >
> > Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
> > your wife or your
> > elephant?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
> >
> >
> > Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
> for
> > its sex?
> > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest
> > is up to him.
> >
> >
> > Q. Jackie Gleason recently re vealed that he
> firmly
> > believes in them and
> > has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
> > What are they?
> > A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
> you
> > should never do in
> > bed?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
shows, these are
funny...
> > If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and
> > its comics, this may
> > bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions
> and
> > answers are from
> > the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show
> > responses were spontaneous,
> > not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was
> > the host asking the
> > questions, of course.
> >
> >
> > Q. Do female frogs croak?
> > A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
> under
> > water long enough.
> >
> >
> > Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at
> > least how high should
> > you be?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
> > should do it.
> >
> >
> > Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
> > years.
> > A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
> > sometimes.
> >
> >
> > Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
> > you probably a man or
> > a woman?
> > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
> awake.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a
> > stranger at a party and you
> > think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
> out
> > and ask him if he's
> > married?
> > A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
> >
> >
> > Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as
> > you get older?
> > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
> >
> >
> > Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
> > to say "I Love You"?
> > A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
> > pineapple and a twenty.
> >
> >
> > Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't
> Get
> > Enough"?
> > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
> from
> > the next apartment.
> >
> >
> > Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more
> or
> > less with your
> > hands while talking?
> > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
> > question Peter, and I'll
> > give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
> >
> >
> > Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
> easily.
> >
> >
> > Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
> > strawberries. Are you going to
> > get any during the first year?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
> > growing strawberries.
> >
> >
> > Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
> > subjects at nudist
> > camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> >
> >
> > Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom
> or
> > in the closet?
> > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always
> safe
> > in the bedroom.
> >
> >
> > Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
> > A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
> >
> >
> > Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his
> > tail. What will a
> > goose do?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
> >
> >
> > Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
> > you give birth to?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
> > afraid of the dark.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything
> wrong
> > with getting into
> > the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of
> your
> > body, what is it?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
> certainly
> > isn't neglected.
> >
> >
> > Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
> > horseradish on his head,
> > what was he trying to do?
> > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
> >
> >
> > Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
> > your wife or your
> > elephant?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
> >
> >
> > Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
> for
> > its sex?
> > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest
> > is up to him.
> >
> >
> > Q. Jackie Gleason recently re vealed that he
> firmly
> > believes in them and
> > has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
> > What are they?
> > A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
> you
> > should never do in
> > bed?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
QUOTE (Checkingin @ Sep 24 2006, 02:53 PM)
For those who remember the early Hollywood Squares
shows, these are
funny...
> > If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and
> > its comics, this may
> > bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions
> and
> > answers are from
> > the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show
> > responses were spontaneous,
> > not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was
> > the host asking the
> > questions, of course.
> >
> >
> > Q. Do female frogs croak?
> > A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
> under
> > water long enough.
> >
> >
> > Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at
> > least how high should
> > you be?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
> > should do it.
> >
> >
> > Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
> > years.
> > A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
> > sometimes.
> >
> >
> > Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
> > you probably a man or
> > a woman?
> > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
> awake.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a
> > stranger at a party and you
> > think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
> out
> > and ask him if he's
> > married?
> > A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
> >
> >
> > Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as
> > you get older?
> > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
> >
> >
> > Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
> > to say "I Love You"?
> > A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
> > pineapple and a twenty.
> >
> >
> > Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't
> Get
> > Enough"?
> > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
> from
> > the next apartment.
> >
> >
> > Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more
> or
> > less with your
> > hands while talking?
> > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
> > question Peter, and I'll
> > give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
> >
> >
> > Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
> easily.
> >
> >
> > Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
> > strawberries. Are you going to
> > get any during the first year?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
> > growing strawberries.
> >
> >
> > Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
> > subjects at nudist
> > camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> >
> >
> > Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom
> or
> > in the closet?
> > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always
> safe
> > in the bedroom.
> >
> >
> > Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
> > A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
> >
> >
> > Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his
> > tail. What will a
> > goose do?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
> >
> >
> > Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
> > you give birth to?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
> > afraid of the dark.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything
> wrong
> > with getting into
> > the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of
> your
> > body, what is it?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
> certainly
> > isn't neglected.
> >
> >
> > Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
> > horseradish on his head,
> > what was he trying to do?
> > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
> >
> >
> > Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
> > your wife or your
> > elephant?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
> >
> >
> > Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
> for
> > its sex?
> > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest
> > is up to him.
> >
> >
> > Q. Jackie Gleason recently re vealed that he
> firmly
> > believes in them and
> > has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
> > What are they?
> > A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
> you
> > should never do in
> > bed?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
shows, these are
funny...
> > If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and
> > its comics, this may
> > bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions
> and
> > answers are from
> > the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show
> > responses were spontaneous,
> > not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was
> > the host asking the
> > questions, of course.
> >
> >
> > Q. Do female frogs croak?
> > A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
> under
> > water long enough.
> >
> >
> > Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at
> > least how high should
> > you be?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
> > should do it.
> >
> >
> > Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
> > years.
> > A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
> > sometimes.
> >
> >
> > Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
> > you probably a man or
> > a woman?
> > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
> awake.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a
> > stranger at a party and you
> > think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
> out
> > and ask him if he's
> > married?
> > A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
> >
> >
> > Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as
> > you get older?
> > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
> >
> >
> > Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
> > to say "I Love You"?
> > A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
> > pineapple and a twenty.
> >
> >
> > Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't
> Get
> > Enough"?
> > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
> from
> > the next apartment.
> >
> >
> > Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more
> or
> > less with your
> > hands while talking?
> > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
> > question Peter, and I'll
> > give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
> >
> >
> > Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
> easily.
> >
> >
> > Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
> > strawberries. Are you going to
> > get any during the first year?
> > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
> > growing strawberries.
> >
> >
> > Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
> > subjects at nudist
> > camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> >
> >
> > Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom
> or
> > in the closet?
> > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always
> safe
> > in the bedroom.
> >
> >
> > Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
> > A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
> >
> >
> > Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his
> > tail. What will a
> > goose do?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
> >
> >
> > Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
> > you give birth to?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
> > afraid of the dark.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything
> wrong
> > with getting into
> > the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
> >
> >
> > Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of
> your
> > body, what is it?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
> certainly
> > isn't neglected.
> >
> >
> > Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
> > horseradish on his head,
> > what was he trying to do?
> > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
> >
> >
> > Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
> > your wife or your
> > elephant?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
> >
> >
> > Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
> for
> > its sex?
> > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest
> > is up to him.
> >
> >
> > Q. Jackie Gleason recently re vealed that he
> firmly
> > believes in them and
> > has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
> > What are they?
> > A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
> >
> >
> > Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
> you
> > should never do in
> > bed?
> > A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Funny stuff, but I am 99% sure the panel knew at least some of the questions in advance.
My brother, from FLA, sent this to me....
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife are advising hikers,
>hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to
>take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Florida.
>
>They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
>on their shoes or clothing to alert but not
>startle the alligators unexpectedly.
>
>They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
>with an alligator. It is also a good idea to
>watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
>
>People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
>alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
>
>Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and
>possibly bird feathers.
>
>Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like
>pepper spray.
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife are advising hikers,
>hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to
>take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Florida.
>
>They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
>on their shoes or clothing to alert but not
>startle the alligators unexpectedly.
>
>They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
>with an alligator. It is also a good idea to
>watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
>
>People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
>alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
>
>Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and
>possibly bird feathers.
>
>Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like
>pepper spray.
Loving husband Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniverary. His wife was really UP SET. She told him "Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes 0 to 200 in 6 seconds.
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift- wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new set of scales.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
He forgot his wedding anniverary. His wife was really UP SET. She told him "Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes 0 to 200 in 6 seconds.
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift- wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new set of scales.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
GIT-ER-DONE
Hello, is this the Sheriff`s office? "Yes" What can I do for you?
I`m calling to report bout my neighbor Vergil Smith.
He`s hidden marijana inside his fire wood!
Don`t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he`s hidin it there.
"Thank you very much sir for the call sir."
The next day, the sheriffs deputies decended on Vergils house.
They search the shed where the fire wood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They sneer at Vergil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Vergils house.
" Hey Vergil!, This here is Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah"
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY buddy"
( Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun )....
Hello, is this the Sheriff`s office? "Yes" What can I do for you?
I`m calling to report bout my neighbor Vergil Smith.
He`s hidden marijana inside his fire wood!
Don`t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he`s hidin it there.
"Thank you very much sir for the call sir."
The next day, the sheriffs deputies decended on Vergils house.
They search the shed where the fire wood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They sneer at Vergil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Vergils house.
" Hey Vergil!, This here is Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah"
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY buddy"
( Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun )....
That's a good one!
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
Ahhhhh, to be newly weds again!!
WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH?
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference in London that included
admirals from the U.S. , England , Canada , Australia and France .
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half a
dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries that
were at the conference.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks. But a
French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we
always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to
speak German."
Suddenly the group became quiet.
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference in London that included
admirals from the U.S. , England , Canada , Australia and France .
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half a
dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries that
were at the conference.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks. But a
French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we
always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to
speak German."
Suddenly the group became quiet.
Amen, and those wussies still don't realize we saved their bacon. Of course this was just thanking them for all the help they gave us during the Revolution.
A cabby picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won`t stop staring at her. She asked him why he is staring at her. He replies. " I have a question to ask you, but i don`t want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you can`t offend me. When your as old as iam and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hearjust about everything. I`m sure there`s nothing you could say or ask that i find offensive."
Well , I`ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responded, "Well, lets see what we can do about that. #1, you have to be single, #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes i am Chatholic.
"OK, the nun says. "Pull into the next alley".
The nun fulfills the cab driver`s fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," Says the nun,. "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess. I`m married and i`m jewish."
The nun says, "That`s ok. My name is Kevin and i`m going to a Holloween party."
She answers, "My son, you can`t offend me. When your as old as iam and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hearjust about everything. I`m sure there`s nothing you could say or ask that i find offensive."
Well , I`ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responded, "Well, lets see what we can do about that. #1, you have to be single, #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes i am Chatholic.
"OK, the nun says. "Pull into the next alley".
The nun fulfills the cab driver`s fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," Says the nun,. "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess. I`m married and i`m jewish."
The nun says, "That`s ok. My name is Kevin and i`m going to a Holloween party."
Heard on Ny radio station yesterday
When the yankees got word that one of their players was in a plane crash that hit a 50 story building how did they know it wasn't Arod?
Because everyone knows Arod doesn't hit anything in the post season!
When the yankees got word that one of their players was in a plane crash that hit a 50 story building how did they know it wasn't Arod?
Because everyone knows Arod doesn't hit anything in the post season!
Back to our regularly scehduled program
Yoss goes into a bar sits down and says "hey bartender can we
talk about politics?"
The bartender says "THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE
IT'S POLITICS"
A little while later Yoss says "hey bartender can we talk about
religon?"
Again the bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE
IT'S RELIGON".
Then again we hear "hey bartender can we talk about sex". The
bartender says SURE.
Yoss says good............F U!
Yoss goes into a bar sits down and says "hey bartender can we
talk about politics?"
The bartender says "THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE
IT'S POLITICS"
A little while later Yoss says "hey bartender can we talk about
religon?"
Again the bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE
IT'S RELIGON".
Then again we hear "hey bartender can we talk about sex". The
bartender says SURE.
Yoss says good............F U!
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $5.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into
the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and
then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into
the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and
then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
TONTO
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shot gun in one hand pulling a buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter, "Want Coffee"
The waiter says, "Sure Chief, comming right up,"
He gets the indian a large mug of coffee. The indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and
blasts the buffalo with the shot gun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywere, then just walks out.
The next morning the indian returns. He has his shot gun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want Coffee."
The waiter says"Whoa, Tonto! We`re still cleaning up the mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The indian smiles and proudly says, Training for position in the United State Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for othres to clean up, disappear rest of day.
Politicians are the same, all over the world.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shot gun in one hand pulling a buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter, "Want Coffee"
The waiter says, "Sure Chief, comming right up,"
He gets the indian a large mug of coffee. The indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and
blasts the buffalo with the shot gun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywere, then just walks out.
The next morning the indian returns. He has his shot gun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want Coffee."
The waiter says"Whoa, Tonto! We`re still cleaning up the mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The indian smiles and proudly says, Training for position in the United State Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for othres to clean up, disappear rest of day.
Politicians are the same, all over the world.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A
little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.