A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

Whats the difference between Congress and The Library of Congress?




















In the Library of Congress you can't lick the pages.

check this out -

Testing lip balm

News Channel 8's new weather radar system.

A Guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You will be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah ... well....you started it.

Shouldn't this, according to the "rules" be bumped to political humor? Or is it a subjective Rule?

Home Depot Scam


A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.


Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.


They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.


When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.


You agree and they get in the back seat.


On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So be careful

lol, your going broke buying wallets.

Snow White

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day,
while Snow White stayed home to do the house work and cook their lunch.

How ever, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she had found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled into the mine entrance: "Hello is anyone there. Can you hear me?"
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "Hillary Clinton will be the next president".

"Thank God!" said Snow White, "at least Dopey`s still alive!"

That's funny don't ya think Oky

I was thinking the same thing, Udmas!

Watch out, McGee!! LOL!

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have Passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass It you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the Words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,"Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call Center for computer problems.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

Because they are plugged into a genius.


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

Because they don't have enough time.


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

The don't stop to ask for directions!


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

You need a rough draft before you make the final copy.


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?

Don't know.....It never happened.


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."





The man is expected to recover,
but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

WEST VIRGINIA GHOST STORY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This happened just outside a little town in the low
country of West Virginia, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's real. A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a
really dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining
so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he
saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost-like in the
rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride really
bad,
the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize
that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving
and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and
running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a
sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and
begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road
and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the
curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the
steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with
fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a
curve.
Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped
out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a cafe
and, voice quivering, ordered a cup of hot coffee, black, then told
everybody about his experience. A silence enveloped the cafe and
everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the
truth and was not just some weirdo.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the cafe
and one says to the other: "Look Billy, there's that jerk who rode in
our car while we were out in the rain pushing it..!"

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death..

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful ! wedding .

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?





!


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?





Scroll down . . . . .


The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

99.8% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!!

Support bacteria. Its the only culture around here.

Remember-- if the world didn't suck we would all fall off.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman

with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or

to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for

sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you

tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on

the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Two Men were Talking.
"So, How`s you sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special, I`m having Social Security Sex."
"Social Security sex?" "Yeah you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"



Wedding Anniversary,

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I`m getting you a head stone that reads."
Here Lies My Wife- Cold As Ever."

"Yeah she replies, "When you die, I`m getting you a head stone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband- Stiff At Last."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for
The job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !

Bob Sheiffer, Tom Brokaw, Katie Couric and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last requestbefore they were beheaded. Sheiffer said, "I'd like one last bowl of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned
with the chili. Sheiffer ate it and said, "Now I can die content."

Brokaw said, "I'd like to hear the song "America the Beautiful"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and
played the anthem. Brokaw sighed and declared he could now die
peacefully.

Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader agreed and Couric dictated some comments. She then said,
"Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,"
insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the
ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and
sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or
fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the three news anchors, "Ms Perky"
asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them
to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "And have you three assholes report that I
was the aggressor."

The next time your on an airplane and the guy next to you keeps bothering you. Just pick up your lap top and do this. Make sure he can see it. Click on.

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

If you try it be prepared for a good a$$ whoopin' and a nice set of matching chrome bracelets

The Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cell phone rings on a bench. A guy stoops down to pick it up and engages the hands-free speaker and begins to talk.

Everyone in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes, I am."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last
year is back on the market. Their asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50,000.
It's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I live you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you too."

The man finally hangs up and notices all of the other men in the locker room staring at him in astonishment, mouth's on the floor...

Then he smiles and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

An elderly women and her husband were sitting in church. She leans over and says to her husband.
I just left a silent fart. What do you think of that? He replies you need a new battery in your hearing aid.

Dog Diary vs. Cat Diary

Dog's Diary entries....
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary....
Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am . The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....

Tennessee Snowstorm

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"



He answered, "Call for backup."

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

CPD, as an animal lover and owner, I howled at this one.

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up With something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little
ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable!

Oh good God can y'all please make up your own jokes instead of copying them, see yet another fake action out of yall.

Flip- STFU!

Ok here's an original

Flipper


Here's how this thread works if you hear or read a funny joke post it on here for others to enjoy. Get it, udmas.

Udmas I know you are better than that dont let them bring you down.

I don't have a problem with "them"

Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb
only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins
and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it
for Mick to see.

"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"

"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was
shorter than that."

Top 10 Things Not To Say In An Irish Pub On St. Patrick's Day:

10. I'm Betting Against Notre Dame.

9. Got Any Wine Coolers?

8. Let's Have A Religious Debate.

7. U2 Sucks!

6. Ya Know, I don't Find Lucky Charms All That Delicious.

5. Kiss me, I'm Part Slovenian, part Polish, and a little bit Italian...oh, and I think my great grandmother on my dad's side was Cherokee Indian.

4. Green Isn't Your color.

3. Whew! Someone Reeks of cabbage farts.

2. When Did This Place Become A Gay Bar?

And The Number 1 Thing Not To Say In An Irish Bar On St. Patrick's Day...

HEY EVERYONE, DRINKS ARE ON ME!

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

a. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may
buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you
do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

a. We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

a. Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called SATURDAY and SUNDAY.

Bathroom Breaks:

a. Entirely too much time is being spent on the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a
picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the
Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health
policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure;
chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplations, consternation, and
input should be directed elsewhere!

Awwwwww I liked that one. I bet if you ran a company that would be your rules huh? Well Id wanna work for ya then.

Anyone know the 4 favorite animals of women??
A Jaguar in the garage
a mink in the closet
a tiger in her bed
and a jackass to pay for them..

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went into the ObGyn office together. When they met after their check-ups, the redhead was smilling, and the brunette asked her why. "I'm going to have a baby boy," the redhead replied.

"How do you know?" asked the blonde.

"Because I was on top."

This got the brunette thinking, and she smiled as well. "I'm having a girl!" she exclaimed. Again the blonde asked how she knew. "I was on bottom," said the brunette.

The blonde started bawling. "Why are you crying?" the redhead asked.

Through her tears, the blonde replied, "I'm gonna have puppies

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the s nooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:

In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Thought for the Day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10-inch, black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25
year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a c heap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.