Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

"Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed................


......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad




A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:


Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!!"

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.

World's Best (Real) News Headlines

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
(Imagine that!)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says........
(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.....
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
(Whaaat??)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.........
(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death....
(No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.....
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace....
(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,....It May Last Awhile..... (You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures!.....
(Who would have thought!)

Enfield( London )Couple Slain....Police Suspect Homicide!.....
(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.....
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge......
(He probably IS the battery charge)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.....
(Weren't they fat enough?!)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft!....
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks....
(Do they taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half .....
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors .....
(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Did I read that sign right?)

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”

“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.

“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.”

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.


Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.


Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.


Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.


Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"


Carlos looks at Jose's sign.


It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

Marriage Made in Heaven:

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months .

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY IDEA how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

A 5th. grade teacher in NY. was telling the class that humans are the only ones who studder.
Little Johnny said, No teacher my cat studders. Oh please tell the class why your cat studders.

OK, Well one day I was playing with my cat in the back yard. When the Dovermen next door saw the cat.
He jumped the fence into my ward. The cat went fffff, fffffff and before the cat could say F==k the dog ate him.

DOG'S NOTES TO SELF:

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food--before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not throw up in the car.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

~ "Kitty box crunchies"--although they are tasty--are not food.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

~ I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

~ The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

~ I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

~ I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option just after getting a bath.

~ Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

~ I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Smart Italian
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian
produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees
to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this
Transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Three guys went to a baseball game. They sat right behind two nuns with those big hats on. It made the guys mad because they couldn`t see the game very well. The first guys says. i`m moving to Washington state because there is only 5 nuns that live there. The second guys says.I`m moving to Texas because there are only 4 nuns there. The third guys says, I`m moving to Florida because there is only 3 nuns there. One of the nuns turns around and says, Why don`t you guys go to hell there are no nuns there.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked.

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

A very self- important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
" You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. " The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, light speed processing.....and, while pausing to take another drink of beer, the senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, " You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little so & so, what are you doing for the next generation?



The applause was resounding....

A little guy is sitting at a counter eating breakfast. A big guy walks in and hits the little guy.

"That's a judo chop from Japan," he says, and then walks into the bathroom. The little guy gets up and sits back down to finish his breakfast. The big guy comes back out of the bathroom and hits the little guy again.

"That's a karate chop from Korea," he says. The little guy gets up and leaves the diner. The big guy sits down and orders breakfast.

As he starts to eat, the little guy comes running back through the door and knocks the big guy out. He looks at the waitress and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a tire iron from Sears."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

A guy walks in to a drug store and told the pharmacist he had a hot date.
He asked the pharmacist what kind of protection should he get. The pharmacist said here is a four pack of Trojans.
Then the pharmacist said that will be $4.95 with tax.

The guy says TAX, You mean they can`t stay on by themselves? OH Crrripe!!!!!

A winter statistic: 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WEST VIRGINIA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!'

3 Women In A Sauna

three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In
A sauna.

suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The Young Woman Pressed Her Forearm
And
the Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly.

"that Was My Pager," She Said. I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My
Arm.

a Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her
Palm
to Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile
Phone. I
have A Microchip In My Hand."

the Older Woman Felt Very Low -tech. Not To Be Out Done, She Decided
She
had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna
And
went To The Bathroom.

she Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear End.
The
others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. The Older Woman Finally

said.........well, Will You Look At That... I'm Getting A Fax!!

Love this tattoo. But what happens when the hair goes lower?

Now that's some funny stuff right there. LMAO

Four religious truths:

Muslims do not recognize the Jews as God's chosen people.

The Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

The protestants do not recognize the pope as the leader of the Christian world.

Baptists do not recognize one another at Hooters.

OMG OMG OMG OMG... SIR you saw me there SHHHHHH don't tell on me ok...........
LMAF here. I love it.

Hilarious david blaine street magic spoof. 3 parts


1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY&feature=user

2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTqsV3q7rRU&feature=user

3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHbYTm8U1v8&feature=user

Good one!

In that same vein:

Q: How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip?

A: Invite another Baptist.

RED KNECK DOG

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20min. later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said it was his dog.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat" The radneck replies, "No way dogs in heat she`s cool kawse I got `er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "NO! You don`t understand your dog needs to be bred.

" No way", the redneck says, "dog don`t need bread, she ain`t hongry, kawse I fed ER beef jerkey this mornin."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don`t understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

[quote name='WVDragonlady' date='Dec 18 2007, 06:26 PM' post='93728']
A winter statistic: 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
[font="Tahoma"][size=4][color="black"]THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WEST VIRGINIA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!'

Now that's some funny Sh** right there. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL LOL LOL LOL This would be me.....

Sex is like going to church.
You hear clappin, shoutin, and screamin and yet you still come.

I didn't type the right spelling for come ok.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Hey You All
Let's be watching the blonde jokes ok. Not all us Blondes are stupid. Oh Sh** I left the cat out of the bag didn't I???? Darn blonde's.

No worries though, thats what the 20 million illegals are for.

THE RECIPE

I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!!!


3% vitamin E
2% Asprin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% FIX-A- FLAT

OMG OMG OMG..... I'm gut busting over this one. Great. I'm copy and pasting and sending onto some of my freinds.

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

A wife asks repeatedly of her husband to pay for her to have a boob job to make them bigger

After some time of refusing the husband finally hands his wife a roll of toiletpaper and advises her to rub it between her boobs each day for several weeks.

The wife obviously confused asks her husband how it will help increase the size of her boobs

Her husband replies "I don't know, but it seemed to work for your a$$"

I've GOT to stop rubbing TP on my butt, I seem to suffer from the same affliction.

Should state that the season just closed today.
There is only a one per day bag limit.
then it would get over quicker

Here's one....How are Man and animals different? Man is not afraid of vaccuum cleaners!

SS
And you know why we're not? I can't give you the answer on here. Ok you did it. Made my mind go there.

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"The passerby says,"You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby." Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The
person says,"I not American,I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from
Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks,"Are you an American?"She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says.."Probably at work!!!

This one's for McGee.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

I like that one Checks,
What a guy. A man does have prioritys.