Now that's funny Udmas!
Full Version: Joke of the Day
Now that's funny Udmas!
Oh My! 
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the
men had to use the rest room. Those who remained
talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom
of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He
became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of
the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is
also my pride and joy. He started working for a big
airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot
.. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
studied in the best universities and became an
engineer. Then he started his own construction company
and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend
for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are
all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the
pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What
about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The
three friends said: "What a shame . . . what a
disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not
ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't
done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line
Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the
men had to use the rest room. Those who remained
talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom
of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He
became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of
the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is
also my pride and joy. He started working for a big
airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot
.. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
studied in the best universities and became an
engineer. Then he started his own construction company
and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend
for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are
all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the
pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What
about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The
three friends said: "What a shame . . . what a
disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not
ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't
done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line
Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Not a joke but thought it was neat.
Cool Math Trick
1. Grab a calculator (You won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
Cool Math Trick
1. Grab a calculator (You won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes straight to hell
where
the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I
don't have any room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell
you what I am going to do. I have three folks here who were not quite
as
bad as you were. I'll let one of them go, but, you will have to take
their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened
the
first room: in it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony
if all I did was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in the
spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,. . . . doing what she
does
best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Oh,
Yeah, I think I can handle this."
The devil said . . . "Okay, Monica you're free to go."
where
the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I
don't have any room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell
you what I am going to do. I have three folks here who were not quite
as
bad as you were. I'll let one of them go, but, you will have to take
their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened
the
first room: in it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony
if all I did was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in the
spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,. . . . doing what she
does
best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Oh,
Yeah, I think I can handle this."
The devil said . . . "Okay, Monica you're free to go."
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket.
"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hillary.
They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.
When they get to the station they see the Clintons at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clintons see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.
"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary.
"Watch and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushs cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Clintons are hiding. George W. knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.
"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hillary.
They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.
When they get to the station they see the Clintons at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clintons see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.
"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary.
"Watch and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushs cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Clintons are hiding. George W. knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. Since his memory and hearing aren't what they used to be, the wife goes in with him to make sure he gets all the instructions and such straight.
The doctor comes into the examination room and says, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man looks at his wife and says, "What'd he say?"
She loudly replies, "Give him your underwear."
The doctor comes into the examination room and says, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man looks at his wife and says, "What'd he say?"
She loudly replies, "Give him your underwear."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Udmas, you must be 85, where the senility sets in...see post 8!!
I thought I read it before, I read so many online guess I better start reviewing before I post 
OK lets try this one.
A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."
WHEW! Hard to read color combo there.
Sorry. Thought it fit the theme of Halloween. 
That's a good one Brian!!! ...the joke, that is!
A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove
them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all
the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are teachers, and then there are Educators!
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove
them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all
the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are teachers, and then there are Educators!
knock knock
Who's there?
banana
knock knock
knock knock
who's there?
A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. Puzzled, he asks, "do you know me?"
The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and asks, "are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she says, "no, I'm your son's math teacher."
The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and asks, "are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she says, "no, I'm your son's math teacher."
A husband forgot his wifes birthday. She was mad, but said he could make it up to her. She said that she better see something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in no time.
The next day she saw a package in the driveway. Thinking it was a set of keys to a sports car, she unwrapped it and found a bathroom scale.
The husband should be getting out of the hospital soon.
The next day she saw a package in the driveway. Thinking it was a set of keys to a sports car, she unwrapped it and found a bathroom scale.
The husband should be getting out of the hospital soon.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Three Al-Quaida terrorists were sitting in a New York cafe' plotting an attack, when a fourth sat down at the table and started speaking Arabic.
"Stop talking that way, you fool!" One snapped. "You'll blow our cover. You're in America now---speak Spanish!"
"Stop talking that way, you fool!" One snapped. "You'll blow our cover. You're in America now---speak Spanish!"
Bringing topic back up.
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029), bringing my total remitted to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer ....
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029), bringing my total remitted to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer ....
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church in
Washington where the bishop was preaching. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research, the War, and such. I'll gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during
your sermon, you'd say the President is a saint." The Bishop thinks it
over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of
funds. I will do it." Bush pompously shows up that following Sunday,
looking especially smug, sneering for his photo ops, while strutting his
way, cowboy-style, into the church. As the sermon starts, the Bishop
begins his homily: George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite as well
as a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, probably still a drunk, and a
low-intelligence sneaky weasel. He has lied about his military record, and then had the gall to put himself in uniform on a military jet, landing on a carrier, and then posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'
He invaded a country for oil and money, all the while lying to the
American people about the war, with nary a care for the thousands of lives it has taken and continues to take. He is the worst example of a Methodist
I've ever personally known or known of.... But compared to Dick
Cheney, George Bush is a saint."
Washington where the bishop was preaching. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research, the War, and such. I'll gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during
your sermon, you'd say the President is a saint." The Bishop thinks it
over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of
funds. I will do it." Bush pompously shows up that following Sunday,
looking especially smug, sneering for his photo ops, while strutting his
way, cowboy-style, into the church. As the sermon starts, the Bishop
begins his homily: George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite as well
as a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, probably still a drunk, and a
low-intelligence sneaky weasel. He has lied about his military record, and then had the gall to put himself in uniform on a military jet, landing on a carrier, and then posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'
He invaded a country for oil and money, all the while lying to the
American people about the war, with nary a care for the thousands of lives it has taken and continues to take. He is the worst example of a Methodist
I've ever personally known or known of.... But compared to Dick
Cheney, George Bush is a saint."
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and Jesse Jackson on this highway! They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and Jesse Jackson on this highway! They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
Four presidents were caught up in a tornado and blown to the land of OZ. They came before the WIZ and he asked if they needed anything he could provide them.
Carter immediately spoke up and said he needed courage--The WIZ said consider it done.
Raegan said that he thought a brain would help him--The WIZ said consider it done.
George W said that many thought he needed heart because most thought he had none--The WIZ said consider it done.
All the while Clinton was just looking around and saying nothing and the WIZ asked what he could do for him and Clinton asked "IS DOROTHY AROUND?"
Carter immediately spoke up and said he needed courage--The WIZ said consider it done.
Raegan said that he thought a brain would help him--The WIZ said consider it done.
George W said that many thought he needed heart because most thought he had none--The WIZ said consider it done.
All the while Clinton was just looking around and saying nothing and the WIZ asked what he could do for him and Clinton asked "IS DOROTHY AROUND?"
QUOTE (LOOKY LOU @ Feb 7 2006, 12:04 PM) 
All the while Clinton was just looking around and saying nothing and the WIZ asked what he could do for him and Clinton asked "IS DOROTHY AROUND?"
That is so funny!Here's one for today...
A Redneck goes in to apply for a job at Wal Mart but the manager won't
hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Redneck says, "Dat's easy." And he proceeds to
draw three trees.
"What's this?" the manager asks.
"Ain't you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Redneck.
"Fair enough," says the manager. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Redneck stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has! just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree "Ere ya go."
The manager scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat's 99."
The manager is now getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this Redneck so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number 100."
The Redneck stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ya
go. One hundred."
The manager looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Redneck leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, "A little dog came long and messed by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
a turd.
Dat makes one hundret. So, when I start?
Subject: Pet Rules . . . To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
nose height
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can't sell their children.
nose height
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can't sell their children.
LOVE it!!
A Mexican drinks his beer, suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink out of
the same glass twice either.
A Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi,
and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and
Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink out of
the same glass twice either.
A Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi,
and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and
Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
nice one Looky
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.."
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.."
Dick Cheneys Top 10 Excuses for Shooting That Guy:
10. He was testing out his new social security/avian flu management plan - shoot birds and old people at the same time
9. Warrantless domestic spying revealed he was getting phone calls from al Queda
8. Guns, don't shoot people, vice-presidents shoot people
7. Hoping to put him in a persistent vegetative state so the GOP could pass a law to keep him alive
6. Thought he was hunting Dan Quayle
5. He had five deferments during hunter safety class
4. He thought it was Scooter Libby
3. When you hunt quail unfortunately sometimes there's collateral damage
2. He believed that he had all the legal authority he needed
And the number one Cheney excuse for shooting that guy is.........
1. What? He's a Libel attorney?' I though he was a "liberal" attorney.
Note: This list was blatantly stolen, edited, and compiled from various websites.
10. He was testing out his new social security/avian flu management plan - shoot birds and old people at the same time
9. Warrantless domestic spying revealed he was getting phone calls from al Queda
8. Guns, don't shoot people, vice-presidents shoot people
7. Hoping to put him in a persistent vegetative state so the GOP could pass a law to keep him alive
6. Thought he was hunting Dan Quayle
5. He had five deferments during hunter safety class
4. He thought it was Scooter Libby
3. When you hunt quail unfortunately sometimes there's collateral damage
2. He believed that he had all the legal authority he needed
And the number one Cheney excuse for shooting that guy is.........
1. What? He's a Libel attorney?' I though he was a "liberal" attorney.
Note: This list was blatantly stolen, edited, and compiled from various websites.
Tht's a good one, Idiot! Love number one. Such effeciency.Happy Valentine's Day, all!
A husband and wife go for counseling after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband things for a moment and replies, " Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf. "
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by
an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to
put everyone in a good mood as he served them
food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and Announced to the
passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing this big scary
plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines. I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my
country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without
missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my
country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
"Tray-up, Bitch."
an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to
put everyone in a good mood as he served them
food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and Announced to the
passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing this big scary
plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines. I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my
country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without
missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my
country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
"Tray-up, Bitch."
"Volkswagen Vs. Rolls Royce"
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy
in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too...
see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a
fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too!
See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the
Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back
here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the
Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is
finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking
for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it
parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The
windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and
taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy
in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too...
see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a
fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too!
See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the
Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back
here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the
Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is
finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking
for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it
parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The
windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and
taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
cudos to Udmas and Naomi for good ones
THE MIRACLE OF SURGERY
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
>>> surgeries they had performed.
>>>
>>> One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
>>> case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I
>>> reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert
>>> for the Queen of England.
>>>
>>> The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm
>>>and
>>> both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
>>>won
>>> a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
>>>
>>> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
>>> woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse
>>>head-on
>>> into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work
>>>with
>>> was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put
>>> them together and now she's a senator from New York.
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
>>> surgeries they had performed.
>>>
>>> One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
>>> case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I
>>> reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert
>>> for the Queen of England.
>>>
>>> The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm
>>>and
>>> both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
>>>won
>>> a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
>>>
>>> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
>>> woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse
>>>head-on
>>> into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work
>>>with
>>> was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put
>>> them together and now she's a senator from New York.
DUI WEST VIRGINIA STYLE
Only a West Virginian could think of this... From the county
where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
>
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Ripley, West Virginia... After last call the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar who was obviously so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing.
>
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off,
flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
>
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having
patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no
evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the
officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police
station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
>
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."
Only a West Virginian could think of this... From the county
where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
>
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Ripley, West Virginia... After last call the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar who was obviously so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing.
>
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off,
flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
>
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having
patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no
evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the
officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police
station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
>
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."
The Bronze Rat
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
everything, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a
rat.
It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.
So
he takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The
owner
replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story."
The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story."
As he walks down the street, carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a
few
real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following
him
down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster.
But,
within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to
hundreds, and they begin squealing.
He begins to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats
now
number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster
and
faster.
Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the
bronze
rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of
rats
all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha", says the owner, "you
have
come back for the story?"
"No", says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a
bronze Muslim, and anything French."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
everything, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a
rat.
It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.
So
he takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The
owner
replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story."
The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story."
As he walks down the street, carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a
few
real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following
him
down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster.
But,
within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to
hundreds, and they begin squealing.
He begins to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats
now
number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster
and
faster.
Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the
bronze
rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of
rats
all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha", says the owner, "you
have
come back for the story?"
"No", says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a
bronze Muslim, and anything French."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's a good one.
Two men get drunk in a bar after hours, the boss catches them, but only one gets fired.
.
.
.
... so later on, the one who was fired is so upset that he gets online and posts his story all over the internet hoping to get some sympathy!
.
.
.
No wait, that wasn't supposed to be a joke, was it?
Two men get drunk in a bar after hours, the boss catches them, but only one gets fired.
.
.
.
... so later on, the one who was fired is so upset that he gets online and posts his story all over the internet hoping to get some sympathy!
.
.
.
No wait, that wasn't supposed to be a joke, was it?
A blonde strikes back
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year......namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year......namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.