Some days I just need a good laugh, so here's a thread for anyone with good clean jokes (Remember, this is a family-friendly forum )

Here's one that I like:

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. The are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, empty all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write withdrawal amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

That's great TB!

So true, 5car!

BATHING THE CAT

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" we have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!


Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!

3 Old Guys

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel
like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes
out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year! -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70 year old.

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30.
So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00.

Prince Charles is driving around Scotland when he hits a dog in the road. When he gets out, he realizes the dog belongs to the Queen. Knowing she would be irate, he hastily decides to bury the evidence. As he is digging the hole, he comes across something already buried there. He wipes away the dirt, and a genie appears. Like all genies, he vows to grant a wish to his new master.

"Genie, I ran over the Queen's dog. Can you bring it back to life?" begs the prince.

The genie takes a look at the mangled pooch. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for the dog. Is there something else I can offer you?"

Prince Charles reaches into his wallet and pulls out a couple of pictures. "This is my former wife, Diana. She was very lovely, but our marriage didn't last. This is my new wife, Camilla. I've loved her for years, and we have so much in common. Is there any chance you could endow Camilla with some of Diana's beauty?"

The genie looks at the photos and says, "Let's have another look at that dog."

This is so appropriate for this forum that I just had to post it.

How many list members does it takes to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to
condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct
spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs
and there fore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their show dog and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with
something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start the crap all over again.

That was so damn funny!!!!!!!

Oh man! If that isn't true!!!

But you really need a lesson on posting etiquette...

Your forgot, we've got a couple here who would post claiming it was George Bush's fault that the light bulb burnt out in the first place.

...and... okay... at least one who would then say it's all part of a liberal plot to discredit the President.


P.S. - Then one I can think of who would say "Oh, so now I suppose you'd say that everyone who changes light bulbs is a 'liberal'?"

or....

The Bible doesn't even address lightbulbs...

(no offense!!!, just kidding!)

I was going to say something similar but figured somebody else would do it for me... I was right. No offense taken.

Sent to my by my mom, so I guess it is ok to post here:

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with
a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bicycle!"

3 blondes have escaped prison, and hide out in a barn. As the sheriff and his deputy arrive, the blondes each hide in burlap sacks. The sheriff sends in his deputy to check things out.

The deputy sees 3 sacks, and kicks one of them. The blonde inside says, "Arf!",
and the deputy tells his boss that a dog is hiding in the barn. The deputy is sent in again, kicks the next sack, and a soft "Meow" eminates from inside. The deputy goes back outside to explain about the cat.

Convinced now that his deputy is himself a blonde, the sheriff goes in the barn,
then kicks the last sack. Not a sound. He kicks it one more time. At first, nothing -- but then the sack says...

"Potatoes."

from a natural blonde:



petrouchka:

your mom is an awnry girl.

HUH? The modern spelling is ornery, and I don't think it's what you mean. Ornery means "Mean-spirited, disagreeable, and contrary in disposition; cantankerous." http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ornery

http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/index.pperl?date=20000927

Why aren't blondes hired as pharmacists?

















They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves?
















She fell out of the tree!

Why are blonde jokes so short?














So brunettes can remember them.

Now THAT'S a good one, WVD!

I figured that one would get a response.

GOOD

Madison Wisconsin

A Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(and we used to just sell lemonade!)

Sounds like a couple of future Bill Gates! smart cookies.

BETTER


La Crosse, Wisconsin

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an intersection on a radar operated camera. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another picture of a pair of handcuffs.

He promptly paid the fine.

BEST


Madison, Wisconsin

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

As a Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."

He replied "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence...he then closed his ticket book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Here's one for the ladies...


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

That's a good one!

Here's one for the guys:

SHORTEST FAIRY TALE EVER!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The large headline read,
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

good one!



How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?


Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"

And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for
Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up
a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."

OMG, 5car! That is so funny.....and true!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

That is great

That is sooo funny FIB!

That's a good one TB!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem upset at all.

Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

That's a good one!

A couple were invited to a swanky family's masked fancy dress Halloween
party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for
his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early,
decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume
was,
she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he
acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and
got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his
outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time
he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not
there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell
you, I
never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown
and
some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all
evening"

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."

Aaaahhhh!

That first one was a big belly laugh FIB!!!

and as for the second one.EW!

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."

WORLD WAR III IS COMING



President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big breasts."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why
kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one cares about the 140 million Muslims".

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."