First, I have no kids... so please keep that in mind! I'm also mainly speaking of teens here...

I was a middle child with two sisters within a couple of years of me. We had rules that we had to live by, but I wouldn't call them strict or liberal; they were reasonable. My sister's were probably watched a little more closely than me because I think my parents learned early on that the shorter the leash was, the more trouble I would be. Sure, I did things like lying about spending the night at a friend's house and being at a girlfriend's instead.

However, things have changed since then with the popularity of the web, email, etc and its easier than ever for saavy parents to get a glimpse of their children's social/personal matters.

With all that said, do you think it is right to spy on your kids by reading their email, viewing browser history/cache, reading their MySpace/blog sites?

Since I know most will say they think its okay, allow me to play devi'ls advocate and state that I do not think it is okay.

Why?

First, I think that even kids deserve their own privacy without having to worry about whether their parents are snooping on them. If I were a kid today, I would probably set up my parents to find out whether they were snooping on me or not. And I would also be clever enough to do all of the things necessary to prevent my parents from being able to spy on me.

I believe that there are just some things that parents do not need to know and once a kid finds out that he/she cannot trust you because you read his/her email/blog/MySpace etc, you will have more problems than you anticipated. Not to mention, snooping on your kid could technically be invasion of another kid's privacy... or a family matter, even.

I feel that if you set down a basic set of rules/principles and enforce them, you will not need to snoop into your kids' email and other private matters. I know that if I ever have kids they will have a hard time fooling me because I've done it ALL. However, I firmly believe that just because I am their parent, that does not give me unfettered access to their personal lives.

Now, all of this is within reason. I think if you are investigating something like a potential drug problem or something of that sort, it is a little different. But to just plop on their computer whenever you feel like it to see what they're writing in their blog, email, etc... I think that is asking for trouble.

My mom used to snoop on me, and it would piss me off so much.

And my parents weren't savvy at all. Prime example:

In high school, I had a job in a toy store. I was always bringing home box cutters (those razor blade thingys) by accident, after spending the day stocking shelves. One day, my parents find one of those box cutters and half a piece of a candy necklace (the kind with little round candies strung on an elastic string) in my bedroom (while she was snooping). She assumed, mistakenly, that the piece of candy was drugs, and I was using the box cutter to cut pills or whatever. At 4 AM her and my father, who I had hoped was a little smarter than that, confronted me about my "drug" problem.

I've never forgiven her for that, actually. It demonstrated a total lack of trust, and clearly indicated she had no real idea what was going on in my life. Puh-leeze.

That said, in this day of Internet technology, strangers have a way of making it into your home. (You guys are in my office every day! LOL). I think knowing what the child is doing is ok, as long as the child is informed.

First, computers and similar worldwide gadgets should be kept in a common area--the kitchen, the living room. Children should not have one they can use in private.

Second, you can tell your child: "If you use the household computer, understand that anything you do on it is household knowledge."

Third, it should go both ways. If your child wants to read your email or whatever, I think that's only fair.

Then again... I don't have kids.

But I sure as hell know what a piece of candy from a candy necklace looks like.

I know a lot of folks that have kids with their own computers in their bedrooms. Now granted, the parents paid for those computers, but I still do not think that everything that happens on those computers should be subject to household knowledge. That's basically saying that any email you send or receive can be printed out and posted on the refrigerator for everyone to see.

Just for the record, Coma, I do agree within reason, to privacy for teens. However, I have not had to snoop with my boys. With number one son, he was forever leaving clues all over the place, so it wasn't hard to figure out what he was up to. And, ok, maybe I shouldn't have read the notes he left in his pocket (which I would find when doing the laundry) but, hey, I'm only human.

Now, number two son.... different story. He was younger by four years and saw alot of reactions to finding stuff by accident. So, quess what?? He learned early never to leave notes anywhere or bring ANYTHING into the house. I trusted him. He was a good student, always called to say where he was, came home at curfew. I bragged about him all the time. Well, he was into heroin before we figured it out. Got him into rehab, and stayed by him through it all. He is now clean and serving other people. A real gem and a strength of character in his determination to help other people. I love him. He told me that he thought we knew about his drug use, but didn't care. And in hindsight, there were clues, but I just ignored them. He says he was actually one person in front of us, and a completely different person when he walked out the door. I was very naive about drugs as well. And, since I was home more in the evenings than hubby, he was getting away with alot. I have learned heaps through all this.

Son, number three is alot like number one. Careless. I have found things when I was not even looking. He leaves his IM on alot and things just pop up in front of me! I do IM back and tell them this is his mom and he's not here and log off. I already know that he is a typical teen, doing typical foolish stuff. We talk about it all the time. But, he has broken too much trust to allow him to stay overnight at others homes. He has to earn that trust back. So, it works both ways. He put his MySpace on, at first, without private. I even showed him that I saw it. (He forgot to log out). And, we talked about all the foolish stuff on there. Set up limits and told him the consequences etc. At first, he was indignant that I read his MY Space. I told him clearly that anyone in the world could read it. That the internet has no privacy. So, he couldn't argue that one. It's all give and take. Kids can't expect complete privacy, if they are not behaving trustworthy.

Overdoing it will blow up in your face as well. They will just sneak out or lie, blah, blah, blah. Give them some privacy, but if they are behaving strange, I say, snoop. It may save their life!

Coma, I totally see/know where you are coming from. I feel very torn on this issue. On one hand, you want your children to have a sense of trust, but on the other you need to have the piece of mind that they are safe from THEMSELVES. Hope that makes sense.

Yes, I have worried that I am going to find out something I don't want to know. But I also keep in mind that my kids are normal teenagers, and we all know that animal.

I have 3 sons, 22, 19, 15, and my daughter is 14. I have seen and dealt with alot of issues. Thankfully none of my kids have used drugs. I will say that I know that my 19 year old has tried pot, he told me. But, he also told me it wasn't worth it, and he didnt see the fascination. Yay! With that being said, he attends college at WVU. Even though he is a great student, he has picked up some very bad habits. One thing he did last year was get himself a fake ID. Seems they are oh so easy to get there, and most colleges I am told. I know for a fact that he drinks. They go to parties every week. Beer Pong is the major sport. DO I condone this?? Absolutley not. We have taught our kids that drinking has repercussions, especially undersge drinking.

Now I will let you know this also. That same son got caught driving while he had been tossing back a few last June at Applebees!!! He was also speedinng on top of it! He still does not have his license back because he has not been able tonfinish his last Alcohol Awareness class due to obligations at school. He got the hardes asst PA, and judge you could imagine! They made me cry. BUT, I am so thankful that didnt get the call to come to the funeral home, that I was secretly thanking them. With all tha being said, does he still drink??? Hell yes. Now he is using the reasoning that he isnt driving!!! Ughhhhhhh, we tell him, but you are UNDERAGE!!! SO do I think he has learned his lesson?? I dont thin k he will drink and then drivce anytine in the near future, but it hasnt taught him NOT TO DRINK.

My husband and I have never sat around our house drinking in front of our children. We have never condoned it or said we thought it was ok to do it before youwere old enough legally to do so. Sometimes no matter what you say, it will happen.

Now back to the main subject, I dont think that snooping will prevent something like that from happening neccessarily, but who knows? Maybe I would have seen something?


Gee, I am making my dear 19 yr old sound pretty bad when he really is not. I have gotten myself a bit off track here now. I just always check randomly so that I cn be assured that there isnt anything MAJOR going on.

Someone just posted in the shoutbox asking if anyone had a MySpace. When it first became popular, I along with some of my friends signed up for it to be able to look at the profiles. Then because of all the issues that started coming to light, they were recomending that profile be set to private. You then had to be one of their "friends" to view their profiles, so it became impossible.

With all that being said, Yes Coma, I really am torn about this, but on the other hand if I head off a really bad decision because of it, I am justified. Case in point: My daughters friends parents are going out of town Friday. She is supposed to be coming over to my house. Instead they are "planning" to go to her house to "watch movies", when in reality they invited some people, including the SENIOR BOY my daughter has been talking to!!!! Now do I trust that my daughter would not do anything she would regret?? YES, Do I trust the 17 year old boy? HELL NO!!! SO now I have a heads up when they are innocently asking me to go other to her house.

I also remember when I was a teenager!!!!!!!!!!! That is probably why I am such a snoop!!

I agree with all of that Checkingin.

The only thing that I could say is that while everyone can read his MySpace if its not set to private, its different when a parent reads it compared to his friends or visitors. MySpace and blogs are common tools that kids use to express themselves, and if that is being encroached upon, they may feel like they're losing some freedom or privacy... and by privacy, I'm mainly speaking of parents.

I can't say how someone raises their kid is right or wrong and that is not the intent of this post. I'm just pointing out how and what I would do if I were a parent and how I would feel if I were that kid. Just wanted to point that out before someone flames me for the wrong reasons.

Oky, well, I can relate to your 19 yr old. While I never got arrested for DUI/DWI, I had a fake id, and I was going to parties when I was under 21 and drinking and smoking a lot of pot. It was all part of the experience. I have no regrets, it was a blast and it helped shape who I am today... plus, I'm drug-free and I only drink socially... I didn't turn out all that bad.

You're also right about not trusting the 17 yr old boy either. At 17 my mind was only on a few things... girls being at the top of the list!

Checkingin, I so know exactly what you are saying!!!!!! I had a little of the same here. I just posted a long one that I kept getting interupted in the middle of, so I hope it makes sense.

I am so glad everything worked out with son #2!!!!!! Btw, how old are your boys? My oldest two are in college and my youngest two are in high school.

Do I trust my kids in general? Yes, but I do verify...if it sounds a little funky or odd, double check...a few weeks ago, there was an overnight with girls--hmmm...but then some of their 'friends' were going to be over there it turned out...and then it turned out they were going to stay also...Guess which kid did not get to go!!! 3 guesses..

Facebook is the latest...and the biggest problem is pedophiles...so you should check up just to make sure...the passwords are given to Mom...

Facebook is mostly for college students though isn't it? Maybe they expanded since I last used it.

I have friends that busted their daughter and her friends in a lie... but that was because of consistency in the stories to each friends parent. Funny stuff.

I'd say it depends on the age of the child. Younger kids should have more supervision than teens, who probably want to write love letters to their girlfriends.



That was my youth, in a nutshell. I was always partying... up to my mid-20s, actually. Smoke a lot of weed, drank a lot of beer (can you say Black & Tan?). Now I am professional that contributes positive things to society.

I think.

No more drugs for me... but I do still have a glass of wine.

Just once in a while.

I wouldn't worry too much about partying teens. It's not the partying that's the problem, as much as the stupid things that can result from it (teen pregnancy, drunk driving, etc.).

So I'll revise my initial statement: The privacy permitted a child is directly related to the age of the child. Teens should get a little more leeway. First, they're more likely to rebel. Second, they're coming into adulthood. If a kid can go off to war and get killed at 18, he deserves a little privacy at 16.

Young kids, though, say 7-14, actually need a little more protection. Their lack of life experiences and overall (speaking in generalizations) tendency to trust makes them more vulnerable.

Well, considering my name...

Oky, my sons are 27yrs., 23yrs, and 16yrs. The 16 yr old will tell you that his 23 yr. old bro is harder on him than we are! Both bros look out for him, so he is a fortunate kid. He knows it. Hubby and I are very firm but we talk about everything. When we set a limit and he doesn't like it, we tell him that we are the parents and we do it because we love him. No screaming, threats or making him feel condemned. Just talk about the consequences, what we expect and that , yes, he ultimately is responsible for his choices. Both of my older son got caught and were in court for different things and paid the consequences and learned from it. I think parents make a horrible mistake by trying to keep their kids from having to face up to consequences. I have heard of parents doing outrageous things to "protect" their kids.


Kids will do what they want, but let me tell you, it can cost them their lives. My son had a few friends that died in the beds, at home, of overdose. I don't have to tell you how horrible this is. Both sons have told me that drugs are at every party. Hard stuff too. And drug dealers will come up to kids and harrass them to sell as well. All this at our public schools. So, if your teens are drinking, believe me when I say they are exposed to alot of other drugs too. And we all know what happens to common sense when you are drunk.
Teens are vulnerable. We have to intervene if we suspect drinking and drugs. It's what parents are here for. A little anger because we invaded their privacy can be forgiven....... At least, that parent cares and probably scared sh!tle$$ for you well being and don't know any of way of dealing with you. My sons have come back to hubby and I and thank us for all the intervention and discipline we did. (and they have thanked us for being on our knees praying for them and their friends. I still spend alot of time there now.)

Here is how I see it. You do your best to educate your kids about the potential dangers in the world. Then talk to them on a regular basis about what they are doing, and if you get suspicious then investigate. That should involve more talking (interrogating) and yes, even snooping.

It happens everywhere in the "real world". The gov't, your job, school. Seriously, at more and more businesses employers are monitoring email, phone calls, etc. Do they watch everybody? No. Ususally a random sampling and when they see red flags they dig deeper.

Snooping just to snoop? No, only with 'probably cause'.

Do you have kids?? ie: teenagers??



It has expanded to include high schools. BUt yes, it is mainly a college thing.
And yes, if you don't talk to the other parents, you never know what is going on. Most of my friends are the parents of my kids friends, which is a very good thing!



EXACTLY!! And I know that ny 19 year old is going to go far in life despite his social life.
Heck, I cringe to think that my kids would do some of the things I used to do!!!


My thought too when saw you posted!! lol

CPD, I am not being smart, but how old are your kids? I only ask because I get the feeling that they may be younger. If not, I apologize. I only say this because if they were teenagers you would understand more. When they are young and innocent, you think that you will never have to do things like that, I know.

My kids are 6 and 2.5.

I am all for snooping, Its part of my nature anyway I love it, and cyber snooping is what I went to school for so this is right up my alley. Knowing that, I feel I will have to really fight the urge to investigate my kids (even just for the fun of it ).

CPD--wait, you'll find you have to do more snooping than you did when they are your kids ages. They have all the other kiddoes in the neighborhood telling them how to 'get away' with it...

Naw, it will be easier. All the kids will have pocket PCs with somesort of wireless access. And if I bought it, I'll know the passwords and encryption code necessary to acquire the info I want.

Heh, if there's one person I know won't be fooled through technology it will be CPD.

"Snooping just to snoop? No, only with 'probable cause'."

That's basically how I feel. If I found out my parents were snooping just to snoop, I would be pissed.

As I mentioned in the shoutbox earlier. I do occasionally 'snoop', but I have taught my children from the beginning that privacy is very much connected to trust.

I have also let my children know that as long as I am legally responsible for them, they will be subject to "spot checks." This may include occasionally combing the computer to see what they have been up to, but not with the intent of catching them doing something "bad", but more to make sure they are acting responsibly with respect to divulging personal information, etc. It is a safety check.

I also randomly drug test my kids because I know that both soft and hard drugs are easily obtained, and I believe the only way to know for sure that your children do not "experiment" or habitually use drugs is to test. And yes, there was a time when the one I least expected began to cry when I requested a sample and asked "can I just tell you what you'll find?". I replied "You can tell me, but I am going to check anyway." It was eye-opening and heartbreaking to see the results of the first test for more than one of my children There was not any punishment given for the results of the test, but I did counsel them and talked about why and with whom they were doing it. I think the embarassment factor, and the knowledge that I love them enough to check and the fact that I counseled them, rather than flipped out, made the whole thing a very positive experience. I am happy to report that I still give random tests, but have been pleased with the results, after the first one.

I know that my kids have things in their rooms (like the box of letters under the bed, or the diary). I have never snooped there. I have been tempted, but have not ever done it. I do respect their privacy and expect them to respect mine.

I do not allow my children to have computers with internet access in their rooms. We all use the same computers.

I believe that my kids know that they can trust me, and I can trust them. Any time I "check up" on them, it is not because I am being nosy. It is because I love them and want to make sure they are safe and making good choices.

Webbie,

I agree with all that you wrote. I remember after getting my son help, we still did random drug tests but I told him that I would not go into his private things. He started a journal and told me he enjoyed writing. He kept it right beside his bed. I was so relieved at the honesty that I saw it him that I did not even want to read the journal. That was tempting because I was still so scared that he was gonna make one bad choice and I would find him gone. But, he developed his own self respect and slowly I began to trust him. We are very close. We will do random drug tests if we need to with number 3. Telling him that it's because we love him and that's the only reason we will do it. He gets angry with us, but later will come back and say he does know we love him and he understands why we do it. So, communicating is so important. We are not the gestapo. Just parents trying to keep our kids safe. They can have all the love letters they want. I have no interest in reading them. Normal teenage stuff.

For you guys out there that have parents that you feel violated your trust or privacy..... give em a break. Maybe even thank them for showing you that they cared. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs. And no owner's manual included.

My nomination for quote of the week!

Well said.

What'd I win?/

Thank you

I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I also believe that you have to hope against hope that you can raise your kids to be good law abiding citizens. Set good examples for them, and show them what it takes to succeed in this world.

I want to tryst my teenagers but...............they are teenagers!!!! There aren't too many that will not succomb to peer pressure at some point. Now that is a SCARY thing to me!!!!! The "well everyone else is doing it" mentality.

Sometimes I just have too much time on my hands, like now for instance. So that gets me to thinking, and then that leads to snooping, and so on.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who didn't lynch me for even admitting I did this in the Shoutbox.

Random drug tests? My parents would have constantly had me on lock-down.

And honestly, it wouldn't have done anything for me.

I know this sounds stupid, but the fact that I did some many irresponsible things in my youth is one of the reasons I'm a responsible adult. I'm the first one of my friends to take someone's keys when they've been drinking or insist they spend the night.

Also... and I know a lot of people might not get this... smoking a little weed is a lot better for teens than binge drinking. It doesn't lead to the same stupid choices or the same violence.

Truth is, I'd rather my kids hang out with a bunch of potheads than a bunch of drunks.

Although, given a choice, I'd prefer they hang out with the straight-edge crowd.

Unfortunately privacy is way down on my list of concerns when it comes to my kids. My 15 year old has already proven she is best kept on a short leash. My sons 10 and 9 will probably get a raw deal because of their sister. So far though they have been no trouble. my parents gave me as much space as I wanted and I enjoyed it at the time but looking back I could have used more snooping on their part.
I think in this day and age their safety is my first priority and if that means I have to snoop a little then so be it. hopefully when they get older they will understand that I did it for their benefit. I figure if my kids only do half the stuff i got into i will have my hands full. I also couldn't agree more with PF. i would rather have my kids straight as an arrow but if they got into anything i'd rather have them smoking weed than binge drinking and driving

You usually do not risk your life buying a six-pack like you might with buying pot, nor are you likely helping support a murderous crime syndicate. But yes, drinking and driving is very bad news indeed.

Just about every heavy pot smoker I've ever known has grown his own plants... or known someone who did. No murderous crime syndicates, just greenhouse growers.

Risking maybe loss of their property and jail. Hope they had no dependents.

Drinking and driving can equal jail, too... and death for innocent victims, as well. For that matter, just drinking can mean jail and death. I've known a lot of angry drunks in my day... the kind that liked to get in bar fights after they've had a few.

Given a choice, I'd rather be locked in a room with a pothead than a drunk.

As for the greenhouse growers... Some had dependents, some didn't. I don't know what happened to them.

But back to the topic at hand...

I am absolutely certain that most parents--snoopers or not--have their child's best interests at heart. And I generally think it's better for a parent to go overboard out of love than to just ignore their child's behavior out of indifference.

I do not think I debated that fact.

But do not try to tell me how pot smoking or pot smokers are not dangerous as well.

Your last point is very well taken.

Peace, froggy!

When making choices about alcohol or drugs, I doubt kids consider where the money is going.

For the parents who test their kids for drugs, is it a urine sample? Do you make them pee in front of you?

Do you include a breathalyzer for alcohol?

Anyone consider using a chip for a tracking device?

as a reformed partaker in such behavior I can attest to the fact that when somebody goes out and buys a bag of weed the last thing they are worried about is if they are funding the Felix brothers in Mexico or the taliban in afghanistan. My point was and is I would rather they did neither of the above but if they are at a party and choose to partake in either smoking a joint or playing quarters I'd feel safer with them smoking.

As far as murderous crime syndicates go would that make Pete Coors a quasi-cartel head with a penchant for driving drunk? Yes his syndicate might be legal but if you think a kid that buys pot is promoting gang violence and murder then surely you could say anyone who purchases Coors beer or any other alcohol is funding vehicular homicide. and I'm sure the death toll from drunk driving in america outnumbers crime syndicate killings by at least a thousand to 1. Legal or not Pot doesn't kill a person every 30 mins or 50 a day here in america. Alcohol does. And if everyone is so concerned about saving lives then why arent those numbers going down or anyone calling for a ban on alcohol?

Some might, on a very minor level.

I remember refusing to drink Coors when I was a kid (meaning teenage kid) because of that crap about the KKK.

Back on topic- I'm more worried about keeping the boyfriends from sneaking in and keeping my daughter from sneaking out

ok - confession time. I was a party girl. I was the one no one would have suspected would ever do some many of the things I did during my high school years. I smoked pot and cigarettes, I drank, and I did other things I will not detail. I do not remember driving or riding while intoxicated, but I would not swear that it never happened.

That was then, this is now.

When I tested my kids the first time, one child admitted that I would find pot and nothing else. The test revealed other drugs in trace amounts, which we suspect was laced in the pot that was admitted. The child was shocked and now knows that even trusted "sources" might not know what is really in the stuff they get.

The tests I give are urine tests and also detect alcohol, although it would have to be recent. I simply hand them the little cup and ask them to go to the bathroom and provide the sample, on the spot. I do not observe them, but they don't know when it is going to happen. This way I know that they have not had the opportunity to "study" or use a sample that is not their own. The test would detect if the temperature were not correct, so it has to be fresh. I sometimes wait for months, sometimes just for days.

For what it's worth, while driving down the road, if I had to chose to drive alongside a drunk or a pothead, I would choose the pothead.

I have instructed my kids that if they are ever away from home and have had a drink or have done any drugs and they, or their friends need a ride, I will go to where ever they are and get them home safely, no questions asked.

I also let them know that if they come home under the influence and I ask what they have done, they have to be straight up with me, because if there is ever a problem, (overdose, bad reaction, etc.) that I would need to know what to tell the paramedics. You may be thinking, "yeah, right..like they are really gonna tell her", but it has happened and they have told me.

I am not naive, I know kids will be kids, and they are curious and want to see what life is all about. I know I can't prevent them from doing whatever they want to do. But I do these things to keep close to them, protect them and provide opportunities to try and lead them, teach them, and love them.

It may not work for everybody, but it works darn well for our family.

From what I have learned, if there is alcohol and weed at a party, the hard drugs are either there, or will be close by. When you are under the influence of either, you can do things that you normally would not do. So, many times, at parties (and this is first hand experience from teens that I've talked to) there is a big bowl of pills and it gets passed around and nobody says what the pills are. LSD is also a biggie at parties, as is ectasy and heroin. Alot of the weed is purposely mixed with other stuff so the dealers can make more money. I can't remember the name of it, but ONE of the things that they use is like a horse tranquilizer. So, weed, no a days is not safe. It can also put teens in the frame of mind where anything goes.....and so go the drugs in their mouth. One young man died from taking coke and then heroin to come down. Heart stopped. Kids push all kinds of drugs onto each other. If your teen is smoking weed, it may be the lesser of the two evils, but it is still exposing them to the drug world. And most teens don't have the willpower to resist.

Another quote of the week!

Webbie

Don't you trust your children, I can see a little snooping but a urine test seems to me too be a bit much.

Did something happen to make you start testing?

Not criticizing just wondering, the thought of drug testing my daughter never crossed my mind.

I believe that a parent should only snoop on their children if they believe they are involved in serious activities that could be dangerous to themselves or others. If a parent wants to find out what their children are going, they should ask them. Parents need to be active participants in their children’s lives, not bystanders sneaking around reading their journals, searching their rooms and listening to their phone calls. Having an open and honest relationship with your children encourages them to talk and confide in you.

Respecting your children’s privacy and space the way you want them threat you will encourage them to respect themselves and their home. If you would never permit your child to rummage through your things, then you don’t need to rummage through theirs.

Several people have said that they did things they shouldn’t have, so they’re snooping to stop their children. The problem with this theory is that every person is different and you should not snoop on your child just because you think they may do something wrong because you did. You automatically do not trust your child because of something someone else did; not good.

As a child/teenager/adult living at home, I had very little privacy. My parents opened all mail addressed to me (even as an adult living at home while in college; doing so is a crime), tried to listen to all of my phone conversations and read anything and everything that I wrote that they could get their hands on. They also tracked the mileage on my car. I never kept a diary as a teenager because my mom would have read it. To this day, I can not keep a journal; I just can’t seem to put intimate/private thoughts on paper for fear someone will read them.

I never did anything to give my parents a reason to mistrust me; I did what they told me, I got good grades, I did not smoke, I have never taken an illegal drug and I never drank any alcohol until I was about 20 (even then I usually did not drink and was the designated driver). I was never left unsupervised so there was no way I could have done any of these things even if I would have wanted. I wasn’t allowed to do anything on a school night unless it was school related or related to some activity approved by my parents (sports, music, etc.) and on the weekends I had an 11pm curfew even in college.

My parents had no respect for me or my private things/space and therefore, I had no respect for them. I also did not trust them; they told me many lies. My dad liked to watch the TV in my room when I wasn’t home. It wouldn’t matter what was on my bed; clean laundry, school work, etc.; he would just lie on top of everything. He would also eat crackers and leave crumbs in my bed and half eaten crackers on my nightstand and dressers. Whenever my mom asked me anything, she never believed me and I always told the truth. Once during college, someone hit my car in the parking lot and my mom didn’t believe me; said I hit someone and was lying to get out of it. My high school boyfriend (close family friend, even today) told her exactly what I did; she believed him.

Even after my sister moved out, our dad continued to invade her privacy by showing up at her house unannounced and going into her house and rummaging around. Our mom finally told our dad he had to stop after he walked in on my sister and her husband having sex in their own home. Unfortunately, it started up again during the last few years of our dad’s life. My sister would come home from work and there would be dad sitting in her living room watching TV and eating her snacks. He was her father so he felt that it was his right to do whatever he wanted with her things.

And the worst part of all of my parents snooping was that mom did it not because she cared about me, she did it because she didn’t want “the family embarrassed”. Any time she ever talked to me about drugs, smoking, drinking, sex, etc., she never said don’t do these things because they are bad for you and I don’t know you to get hurt, it was always don’t do these things because you’ll embarrass me and the family and we’ll have to move. She’d also throw in there that I wouldn’t have a family anymore if I did these things; they give me up (ward of the state) because of the embarrassment or ship me off to a boarding school.

I believe that if my parents would have required random drug tests that that would have probably sent me over the edge. I can’t even image doing this a child unless I had a very, very, very good reason. Even if I did have a good reason, I would still try and preserve the parent-child trust by having a drug dog sweep the house when the child wasn’t home; that way if nothing was found, they would never know.

why thank you un-unique!!! that is always nice to hear!

(sorry about the little un thing, it's just too tempting....if you aren't someone who has been here previously, I am sorry, if you have been, you understand)

Mstubble,

Wow, your parents were Way over the line. I can see why you have trust issues. If you had been my daughter, I would have told you how wonderful you were and how grateful I was to have a daughter who was trustworthy. That's what you should have been hearing. So sad that your parents could not see what a great person you are. I am sure this thread must stir up alot of anger in you, thinking that we are doing the same thing to our kids. It's good to hear what can happen when parents care more about what others think, than their own children. Can really mess up a family.

But, I am pretty sure I can speak for Webbie (correct me is I'm wrong), but the drug testing is only done for a very good reason. My son got caught and had to do drug testing. He says it was the best thing for him. Had to go every week and get tested. And we would do spot checks at home, as well. He had already violated the law. If he complained, I told him it was a better deal than sitting in a jail cell. He stopped complaining after that. Never had a dirty test either. But, the testing was after he had already been involved in drugs and we did all kinds of talking. We all grew much closer through the grief. I am so proud of him and trust him. He is very honest with us and has changed his life. That's why I think communication is so important and not to comdemn them. And not to invade their space. Thanks for the insight.

P. S. Even though my identity here is "unknown" by most, I am not saying anything about my son that he wouldn't tell you himself. He has spoken in front of youth at school, church, and work about what he went through and the dangers out there. He works to help youth find a better way. They listen too.

Wow mstubble! I totally understand why you think that all that do some snooping are wrong!

The big difference here (I am speaking for myself, I can't know what everyone else is thinking, but I am preyty sure this applies to them too) is that I would never do what your parents did to you!! That was def over the line. I do tell my kids how wonderful they are, I am always here if they want to talk, and they know this. Problem is, they don't want to come to you and say they have been drinking, ________(insert bad thing here). So occasionally you do have to check up. I am not hardcore in my snooping, I don't make it my hobby or anything, so please don't judge us by your paretns actions.

I do understand why this would be a touchy subject for you. My only goal in doing this is to make sure my kids don't hurt themselves or others by their actions. They are wonderful and make me proud all the time, but they are teenagers (all but one), and teenagers don't always make the right decisions.

I asked several people at work yesterday how they feel about snooping on their children. I didn't find one parent that would snoop unless they had a very good reason. I asked for examples and everyone said there would have to be a major change in their attitude and grades and they suspected suicidal thoughts, serious drugs, and/or serious drinking. And definitely no reading of private journals.

Two of my best friends in high school also had very little privacy. Both because their parents were trying to prevent something that happened to themselves or someone else in their family. I understand that parents want to protect their children, but at what cost?



That's why it is very important for a parent to be active in their children's life and be open and honest with them, so they feel that they can be open and honest with their parents and come to them with anything. I had many friends that did exactly the above; went to their parents about drinking or even trying drugs, etc. We also have several friends whose children have come to them with anything and everything.

This subject was covered when I took Child Development in college years ago. One of the most important relationships in our society is between parents and their children. Children are familiarized with what is expected of them as adults through the bond with their parents. An increase in freedom to explore the world helps a child as they grow to define themselves. If a child grows up and does not feel trusted, they will have problems with trust and they will get very good at hiding things. Being too controlling (snooping/no freedom) can cause problems down the road for your children; they grew up not know how to manage their own lives and make choices.

I’m just saying that snooping should be the absolute last resort.

Each family is unique and each child/parent relationship requires different things. Doing what feels right to make a loving, supportive, nurturing, and safe home in 2006 is up to each family. You know your child and what is needed. If your home is a positive, safe, and informed household than your strategies are working.

The proof is in the pudding. No one can have the one and only formula to a successful way to raise your children. Each child and their environment is unique. Different strokes for different folks.

mstubble, I mean no disrespect but, I don't know where you work, but those people are either parents of very small children or they are not telling you what they really feel. Alot of us came on here and put our cards on the table about what we do to protect our children from themsleves.

I think you are taking your own personal experience and inserting it into ours. Maybe you misunderstood what I said. My kids know they can talk to me about anything. I mean ANYTHING.

BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT, teenagers are not always forthcoming, even when they know they can be. You are really wrong on this one. Like I said in an ealrier post, PEER PRESSURE is one of the biggest downfalls of teenagers everywhere, no matter how they are raised. Of course there are exceptions, but very few.

I love my children and would nevr do anything to hurt them. If I ever would suspect something is out of wack, then the real snooping will begin. I will never do anything to hurt my kids only to protect.






This is absolutely true!!!

I think mstubble makes a lot of sense.

Many parents are snooping on their kids because as parents they have the power to invade their child's privacy. It can be rationalized as protecting teens from themselves or it could just be seen as an excuse to give parents peace of mind which may have very little to do with what a teen is actually doing or actually exposed to.

Good luck when the kids go away to college.

Wel Bonk, how many kids do you have? Any teenagers right now?I have 2 at home. I also have 2 away at college btw. They are great kids/young adults, but I am not naive either. I mean my goodness, One is at WVU. One plays college basketball ai OVU. But they are doing great in school, and are a joy to me.

I digress....................I DO NOT SNOOP TO INVADE MY CHILDS PRIVACY, lets get that straight right now!!! Unless you have true tennagers right now, or have had them in the last 10 years, you have no clue about this.

Would you rather "invade your childs privacy" a little, occassionally to save a life later?? What is better parenting?? Saving your child from themsleves, or waiting for "that phone call" telling you to come to the hospital right away, theres been an accident.....or worse to come to the morgue?????????

Sorry guys, I won't stomp on you if you dont stomp on me thanks,

My hat is off to you parents; what a terrible and stressful responsibility you have these days. According to some articles I've read, teen brains are not fully developed and they don't quite have the maturity to make the best decisions. Plus there are so many predators running around these days. When I was a teen ager, my parents had strict curfew rules; saved me from lots of unpleasant situations and relieved me from decisions that I waasn't qualified to make at the time. Once I got to college (away from home) they backed up and hoped for the best.

I have read more often than I like about terrible auto accidents in Montgomery Copunty. Parents buy 16-year old a BMW for a birthday present and child drives it into a tree. A sad loss of a young life.

I don't envy you the responsibility but I admire your perserverence.