[color="#FF0000"][/color]I have to post this. It may help bring some humor to this dreadful testing. Enjoy and get it done!!!
Dodgeman.

> Well folks let me tell you that this fellow waited long enough that
> they make it easy now!! Just let me fill you in on the past: They
> used to do Procto's using a long silver colored metal tube that the
> Navy people called the silver stallion and they hurt like hell in
> some of the Doctors hands! Then as progress has it they developed a
> long tube that they could bend to go around the transverse colon and
> then down the ascending colon to the cecum and they pumped the colon
> full of air which was the grandpappy of all gas pains! No sedatives,
> just lay there and suffer. I had a problem and they shoved those
> things up my ass many times for a year and a half and I finally went
> from the VA to another outside Doctor and he took one look at all the
> stuff they did in the past and told me that I had a tumor of the
> cecum which was almost always malignant which this was so I underwent
> surgery and they took out a foot and a half of the ascending colon
> and I went through a year of chemotherapy and then they did those
> colonoscopies on me until I had had enough and told them they had
> shoved the last thing up my ass they were going to, if I die I die!
> Well after all these years they finally decided to let people
> undergo this procedure without the discomfort! What a kick and now at
> 82 years of age it's easy but at this age who in the hell cares! They
> can forget it! :-)
> Frank
>
> Begin forwarded message:
>
> > From:
> > Subject: 50 or not, this is funny.....
> >
> >
> >
> > A Journey Into My Colon..And Yours
> >
> > By Dave Barry, Syndicated Columnist and Comedian
> >
> >
> >
> > OK. You turned 50.
> >
> > You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy.
> >
> > But you haven't.
> >
> > Here are your reasons:
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. You've been busy.
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your
> > family.
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. You haven't noticed any problems.
> >
> >
> >
> > 4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000
> > feet up your butt.
> >
> >
> >
> > Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait,
> > let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is
> > No. 4.
> > This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical
> > human,
> > becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your
> > ''behindular
> > zone'' gives you the creeping willies.
> >
> >
> >
> > I know this because I am like you, except worse. I
> > yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical
> > coward. I
> > become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical
> > procedures, such as
> > making an appointment by phone. It's much worse when I come into
> > physical
> > contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor's office
> > has a
> > dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I
> > got a
> > shot.
> >
> >
> >
> > In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I
> > should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but
> > not right
> > away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a
> > colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that
> > I am
> > frankly ashamed to tell you about it.
> >
> >
> >
> > What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a
> > human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational
> > exhibit called
> > the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote
> > awareness of
> > colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal
> > Colon, and
> > you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps,
> > cancer and
> > hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa,
> > I better
> > find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a
> > colonoscopy.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you are as a professional humor writer, and there
> > is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally
> > obligated to go
> > see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal
> > Colon. I
> > wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also
> > urged
> > everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the
> > Colossal
> > Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.
> >
> >
> >
> > But I didn't get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a
> > liar. I was practically a member of Congress.
> >
> >
> >
> > Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still
> > hadn't gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an
> > e-mail
> > from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more
> > mature. The
> > email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:
> >
> >
> >
> > `Dear Brothers, ``I went in for a routine
> > colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We're told it's
> > early and
> > that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so,
> > fingers
> > crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to
> > tell my
> > siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.''
> >
> >
> >
> > Um. Well.
> >
> >
> >
> > First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We
> > talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy
> > Sable, a
> > gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few
> > days
> > later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon,
> > a lengthy
> > organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
> > briefly
> > through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure
> > to me in
> > a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully,
> > but I
> > didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was
> > shrieking, quote,
> > ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''
> >
> >
> >
> > I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
> > and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes
> > in a box
> > large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
> > detail
> > later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
> > fall into
> > the hands of America's enemies.
> >
> >
> >
> > I spent the next several days productively sitting
> > around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
> > began my
> > preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
> > solid food
> > that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
> > only with
> > less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
> > packets
> > of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> > lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a
> > liter is
> > about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
> > about an
> > hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a
> > mixture
> > of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
> >
> >
> >
> > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> > somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink
> > it, ''a
> > loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like
> > saying that
> > after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the
> > ground.
> >
> >
> >
> > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> > too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch?
> > This is
> > pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
> > are
> > times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several
> > hours
> > pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
> > eliminate
> > everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
> > you have to
> > drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
> > tell, your
> > bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you
> > have not
> > even eaten yet.
> >
> >
> >
> > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> > sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
> > nervous.
> > Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
> > experiencing
> > occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,
> > ''What if I
> > spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something
> > like that?
> > Flowers would not be enough.
> >
> >
> >
> > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> > that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the
> > forms said.
> > Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where
> > I went
> > inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on
> > one of
> > those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that,
> > when you
> > put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
> > actually naked.
> >
> >
> >
> > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a
> > vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
> > was very
> > good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
> > people put
> > vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
> > thought of
> > this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
> > tipsy to
> > make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
> > Hose
> > Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
> >
> >
> >
> > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> > procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> > anesthesiologist.
> > I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
> > around
> > there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me
> > roll
> > over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
> > something up to
> > the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I
> > realized
> > that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that,
> > of all the
> > songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,
> > Dancing Queen
> > has to be the least appropriate.
> >
> >
> >
> > ''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from
> > somewhere behind me.
> >
> >
> >
> > ''Ha ha,'' I said.
> >
> >
> >
> > And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
> > for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
> > because I am
> > going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
> >
> >
> >
> > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
> > moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the
> > tambourine . . .'' . . and the next moment, I was back in the
> > other room,
> > waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and
> > asking me
> > how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
> > told me
> > that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
> > colors. I
> > have never been prouder of an internal organ.
> >
> >
> >
> > But my point is this: In addition to being a
> > pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a
> > decade I
> > avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There
> > was no
> > pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my
> > life for
> > nothing.
> >
> >
> >
> > If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if,
> > when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and
> > avoided getting
> > screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have
> > known. And
> > by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his
> > situation
> > would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-
> > up, the
> > doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out.
> > Sam is
> > now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring
> > food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers
> > crossed,
> > knock on wood, and all that.
> >
> >
> >
> > Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms.
> > Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have
> > colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable
> > doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have
> > cancer,
> > believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no
> > sane reason
> > for you not to have it done.
> >
> >
> >
> > I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to
> > induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after
> > reading this,
> > get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped
> > envelope
> > to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald
> > Plaza,
> > Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and
> > suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy
> > certificate, stating
> > that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this
> > certificate
> > will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper
> > with an
> > image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use
> > it in
> > whatever other way you deem fit.
> >
> >
> >
> > But even if you don't want this inducement, please
> > get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off.
> > Just do
> > it.
> >
> >
> >
> > Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba
> > version.

I love Dave Barry!! Can't believe he is 60 yrs old now!

That was so funny. Anyone who has been through this wonderful procedure will laugh out loud!

All of you youngins who haven't faced it yet, your time will come!

I'm ten years away from this, but my other half had some health issues for the past several years which necessitated a few colonoscopies. Dave Barry's description of the prep work the day before was dead-on, according to my husband. I laughed out loud as well. Can't wait to tell him about adding vodka! Is that for real?

Dodge, it's spam and it's in it's original spam format to boot.

Edit out the <<<>>>> and code stuffs and some people might enjoy it.




If you watch sexy celebrities whilst listening to White Zombie, you might feel spam is insignificant. Or so I heard...

Makes no one ever want to have one!

Dodge - funny. But if ya gotta get it done, might as well have some fun with it! But, yeah... Next time, delete all of the <<

Isn't there some similar procedure that people have to make them lose like 20 pounds in a week or something???? THAT might be worth checking out!

The test is nothing. just the prep work is a pain in the rear. you go sleepy bye and wake up all nice and relaxed. your mind is crystal clear but your body is kind drunk. thats why you need someone there to help you and to drive afterwards. I myself ate like a pig when I got home and then went and slept for about 3-4 hrs and then got up and drank like a quart of water I was so thristy and then slept another 8 hrs. if you get a good report, you only need to get it done every 5 yrs.