Mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. Found real passion and he is so nice. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit so you will get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Renee

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," the pharmacist answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two."

A guy goes into a porn shop and buys a Palestinian blow up doll, when he got it home, it blew itself up.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began arguing with him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Warning: This is a detective story

Three old ladies got tickets to their first MLB game. They were all very excited because they had never before been to a pro baseball game.

One of the ladies decided to sneak a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. Upon finding their seats and enjoying the game, the ladies were mixing their Coca-colas with JD and having a good time.

However, the three old ladies were upset because they ran out of JD and none of them felt right ordering beer from the vendor running up and down the aisle. The game still had many innings left until the end and they did not know what to do.

So... What inning is it and how many runners are on base?






Answer: It's the bottom of the Fifth and the bags are loaded.

First grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.


Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his teacher.

Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, "I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I'm proud of you son. You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long. I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today."

His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow. My butt's still sore."

Man has a chicken farm with a 1000's hens.
Every rooster he buys dies trying to breed all of them.

Farmer down road has a roster that can breed them all and more.

one farmer ask the other the price.other says 1000 dollars.

That is pricey but he buys him takes him home and gives the roster a pep talk.Now don't over do it the first day and lets him go.

Rooster takes of breeding every hen there.

Farmer lookes out and the rooster is down by the pond doing every duck there.

Later farmer looks out and that rooster is chasing a pheasant across the field gets a hold on it and does it.

Farmer goes to bed wakes up looks out side see's rooster laid out in the field dead.

Farmer walkes out looks see's buzzard's circling.I told you not to over do it your first day.

Rooster looks up and say's quite i have them circling.

Sexual Harrassment......

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human
Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the
co-worker
does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks...."What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies...."It's Keith, the midget."

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

lol

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Gross!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

A West Virginia woman and her daughter were returning home after attending the daughter's college graduation.

During their conversation on the ride home, the daughter says to her mother, "Mom, I need to tell you something. I ain't a virgin anymore, and I'm pregnant."

The mother slams on her brakes, pulls off to the side of the road, and starts to lecture her daughter.

"I spent thousands of dollars paying for your college education and you're still using the word 'ain't' ?"