first day (By Chad Trovinger / January 1, 2011) |
On the fifth day of Christmas, Washington County gave to me,
Five Robocalls
Four squawking gulls
Three feet of snow
Two housing starts
And an immigrant who wants to scare me.
American democracy has been around for two centuries plus, but every couple of years, Washington County demonstrates that it is still struggling to get a handle on the process. This year, in the name of every 5-year-old who has ever dreamed about using nuclear weapons to kill a gopher, Washington County Republicans decide to wipe Democrats from the face of the county, using high-tech, ugly campaign smears usually associated with Swift Boat veterans in races that actually mean something.
The Republicans arrive a bit late to the party, seeing as the Washington County Democratic Party has already been brutally gutted by — the Washington County Democratic Party, which couldn’t even be bothered to field a serious candidate in numerous races.
This alarmed the leaders of Washington County’s Republicans, who were spoiling for a fight, but found themselves without any meaningful opponents — until they saw a lone hapless Democrat standing on the otherwise empty wastelands of the County Commissioners ballot.
Republicans respond with a largely incoherent robocall, with unfathomable logic and sentence structure normally associated with English as a Second Language classes. But the desperate, high-stakes, smear tactic works — the Democrat is obliterated, leaving Republicans in full control of the powerful government body that will be responsible for drawing up the county’s next weed ordinance and modification of its leash law.
• • •
On the sixth day of Christmas, Washington County gave to me,
Six bears a shopping
Five Robocalls
Four squawking gulls
Three feet of snow
Two housing starts
And an immigrant who wants to scare me.