By TIM ROWLAND
11:25 PM EST, November 7, 2012
It is once again time for the annual column that I write once every four years announcing the winners and losers in this week’s presidential election.
Winner: The winners.
Loser: The losers.
Winner: My bedtime. Worry about the economy and national debt if that’s what floats your boat, but as an aging male I was terrified by stories of how close this election was and how we would have to sit up for 2,874 consecutive hours before a winner was determined. I could have lived with either candidate, but I really resented the idea that national politics might interfere with my personal schedule.
Loser: Abner Doubleday. Call me a pundit if you must, but I read this as a pretty sound defeat for a new baseball stadium in Hagerstown. That, or a lot of people in the city fear we do not have enough Laundromats and car washes.
Winner: New York nerds. Call this the Year of Nate Silver, because his New York Times statistical model accurately predicted 50 out of 50 states, despite accusations from the right wing that he was using “facts.”
Loser: Baltimore nerds. Sun pollsters suggested marriage equity would lose and had the 6th District as a tossup, before John Delaney smoked Roscoe Bartlett by 20 points. Dudes, feel free to adjust the sampling method next time.
Winner: Cheech and Chong: Speaking of smoke, two states legalized recreational use of marijuana. What, you mean I no longer have to fly out to California and fake glaucoma before I can score some lamb’s bread? Sweet.
Loser: MD Petitions. Whoops, what happened to Neil Parrott and his plans for a shadow government by referendum? Turns out representative government is actually representative of what the people want. Who knew?
Winner: Outlier; Tell; Pushback. These were the insider political clichés that seeped out into the lexicon, much like “bands” and “refreeze” have in weather-forecasting circles. Now let’s hope we never hear of them again.
Loser: Mitch McConnell. Where do you go from here when you dedicate four years of your life strictly to keeping a president from winning re-election, and then he goes ahead and wins anyway? I mean, in four years, he could have done something productive, like completing med school or something.
Winner: Ryan Miner, a political operative with local ties whom I follow on Facebook. Even though his team lost, he somehow took the results from one obscure precinct in Virginia at 7:30 p.m. and concluded Romney was done. I don’t know how he did it, but from now on I’m watching his posts and turning in early.
Loser: Texas. Don’t mess with Texas — unless you’re Illinois. You can have a campaign warchest the size of Asia’s Gross Domestic Product, but if you don’t know what to do with it, the political boys and girls in Chicago will hand you your 10-gallon hat.
Winner: Twitter. I never cared for Twitter myself, but any medium that can inspire Donald Trump into a full, public, embarrassing meltdown can’t be all bad. When he started rattling out words like “disaster,” “revolution, “sham” and “travesty” it’s a clear indication that Twitter and a failure to remember to take your medication is a dangerous mix.
Loser: Us. Because I have already heard one pundit opine that “the 2016 presidential race starts today.”
Please kill me.
Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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