Dateline: MARS — Just a year after the successful colonization of Mars, the beings of the Red Planet say they want their independence, according to the Galactic Press.
On the eve of President Henry Paulson’s historic announcement that the Commonwealth of Mars would become the 51st state admitted to the union and the first interplanetary territory to join the republic, Mars has announced its intention to secede from the United States of America & The Milky Way and is threatening a show of force to do so.
This will be President Paulson’s first big test after leading a coup nine months ago against his running mate and President-elect Mitt Romney. Paulson, originally tabbed as Romney’s vice president, was Secretary of the Treasury under lame duck Barack Obama, but more important, he had experience in running the country as chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs.
Meanwhile, Mars’ governor and federal legislative representative, simply known as “Marvin,” announced during a press conference this morning from atop Mount Sharp that he will assume leadership of the secessionist movement.
Decked out in his planet’s traditional battle gear of a Roman-like helmet and plated skirt, Marvin aimed his ray gun at the intergalactic press pool and declared Martian Law.
“Take a look at the business end of my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. Cease and desist all attempts to continue this American imperialistic effort to drain Mars like you’ve drained every state, territory and institution you touch.”
These are a dramatic turn of events from last August, when “Mars Mania” hit fever pitch in America with the successful landing of Curiosity, a one-ton space lab and U.S.-led international mission to collect evidence of life on Mars.
The White House just 12 months ago was understandably giddy with the overwhelming success of the mission. NASA had been marred in recent years with lackluster response to space exploration efforts and a waning public interest in galactic domination.
“To all the haters that said America was toast after the Space Shuttle program kicked the bucket — SUCK IT!” said John Holdren, science adviser to President Obama on Aug. 10. “We got this. Space: the final frontier; that’s our house!
“What?! … That’s what I thought,” Holdren exclaimed then from the White House Rose Garden before smashing the microphone at the feet of NBC’s Brian Williams, abruptly ending the press conference.
It’s when scientists found a vast reserve of crude oil at the base of the Olympus Mons volcano in mid-November that Paulson begin to maneuver a way to wrest control of the U.S. from Romney, take the reins of Mars and secure what some have said is an oil supply eight times the size of Earth’s.
In actuality, the coup found little resistance from the former U.S. government or its people, as Paulson’s connections with Wall Street made it easy for the financial sector to reveal its true nature, as an orchestrated tidal wave of stock-market crashes, local government bankruptcies and mortgage recalls plunged nearly all of California into poverty as a warning of what was to come if America and the rest of the world didn’t play ball.
Meanwhile, after issuing a series of threats that included talk of human enslavement and the fact that Mars needs women, Marvin explained his planet’s real problem with the USA&TMW:
“Let’s be real here. We’ve been around a lot longer than you guys, and we were doing just fine. We were entertained with you, even found you kind of enduring if simple, albeit rotten to the core and easily corruptible.
“But what do you have to offer us in return? A bunch of hicks gobbling Chick-fil-A? ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’? Kim Kardashian and Kanye? I mean, come on, last August your leading American news channel, Fox, questioned the patriotism of your own Olympic athletes. Jeez. Really?
“Go occupy somebody else, and leave Occupy Mars for the comic books and comedy shows, or it’s — KABOOM! — lights out, Earthlings!”
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