SPIN ROOM AFTER A DEBATE IN A CITY SOMEWHERE IN THE U.S. OF A. — The debate is over and reporters descend on the spin room, zeroing in on one spin-master in particular.
“I think this was one of the greatest debate performances in the history of the republic,” the spin-master says to the gathering crowd of media members. “Our guy was sharp, he was focused, he was presidential, his hair didn’t move a centimeter all night. It was masterful, a Monet, a Picasso, one of those really cool paintings by that really talented elephant who paints.”
The media members are taken aback, as from their vantage points, and from the vantage points of the hundreds in attendance and the millions watching on television, the candidate appeared confused and desperate.
“Your candidate seemed to struggle all night, Senator,” a reporter says. “He seemed to not have a real grasp on any of the issues. Do you really think he did well?”
The spin-master smiles widely.
“We think he couldn’t have done better,” the spin-master says. “He outflanked his opponent on all sides. It was like the Lincoln-Douglas debates, and he was both Lincoln and Douglas.”
“But he didn’t seem to be taking a stand on anything, Senator,” another reporter says.
“That’s right, but people don’t want their candidates taking stands on issues anymore. They want results, not stands. They only want stands when they hunt, and, by the way, our candidate fully supports the Second Amendment. So there you go,” the spin-master says.
“But he seemed to be dancing around the questions,” another reporter says.
“Actually, he has been taking his beloved wife folk dancing on Thursday nights for about 35 years and they are quite the little dance couple,” the spin-master says. “And what is more all-American than folk dancing, folks?”
The reporters don’t know where to go next, and silence grips the circle of media members. Finally, one speaks.
“Do did you think it was OK for him to be reading texts while the other candidate was speaking?” the first reporter asks with his second question.
“He was looking at the latest polling results, actually,” the spin-master says. “And we’re glad to report that we’re ahead.”
A third reporter, one of those aggressive types with an agenda and microphone, then steps forward.
“But your candidate also seemed to doze off for about 45 seconds late in the debate. You can’t possibly think that’s appropriate for a candidate at a nationally televised presidential debate,” the pushy reporter says.
“I call it understandable,” the spin-master says. “Campaigning is hard work and our guy has been campaigning for this job for a long time, because he wants to turn this country around and make it great again. So he wore himself out for America. You should be grateful.”
The spin-master then smiles the winning smile that has helped him win six straight elections.
”Plus, let’s be honest, the other guy is boring. The guy’s a walking Ambien tablet. Let me see by a show of hands: how many of you did he not put to sleep tonight?
No hands go up. Finally a radio reporter speaks.
“When your candidate was sleeping on stage, he was drooling,” the reporter says.
“First, that’s not a question. And second, while that may be true, while he was sleeping his face was red from the stage lights, his lips were blue from his sleep apnea and his drool was a healthy white,” the spin-master said. “He was even honoring America and its great flag while dozing, which proves that he’s a more patriotic napper than his opponent ever will be.”
Bret Kofford teaches writing at San Diego State University-Imperial Valley campus. His opinions don’t necessarily reflect those of SDSU or its employees. Kofford can be reached at Kofford@roadrunner.com
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