There are only a few times in our lives when we are presented with a choice so big that it will assuredly shape the experiences of every generation to follow.
A choice that holds sway over the smallest of details in our children’s cherished memories, and that of our chldren’s children.
This, ladies and gentleman, is one of those times.
So please, for our future’s sake, don’t vote for the iron.
In what is the biggest choice facing American consumers since voting to replace the tan M&M with the blue one in 1995, Hasbro is asking Monopoly fans to vote to keep their favorite piece in the current set. The lowest vote-getter will go directly to Monopoly jail, never to return.
The current pieces are the race car, thimble, boot, dog (a Scottish terrier), battleship, top hat, iron and wheelbarrow.
Voters then get to elect a replacement. The choices are a robot, diamond ring, cat, helicopter or guitar (acoustic by the looks of it).
Since this is my blog, I’m taking this opportunity to get on a soapbox and argue for the elimination of the iron and addition of the helicopter.
The iron clearly has no place in the Monopoly world. You can’t pretend to ride in it like the car, wheelbarrow or battleship from your shanty on Baltic Avenue through the suburbs of New York and Kentucky avenues to your condo in Marvin Gardens. Never mind that there are no cool sound effects you can make when moving it, like you can with the car or the dog. And you can’t pretend to walk or kick other players on the board like you can with the boot.
Though the thimble appears useless, who doesn’t try to fit it on their little finger sometime during the game? The top hat, in its aristocratic symbolism, is only fitting for the utility or railroad magnate or ruthless slumlord building hotels on the cheap property waiting to bankrupt a struggling player hoping to survive on their $200 pittance when they pass GO.
Though it made no sense to me why Hasbro got rid of the horse and the cannon, I’ll forgive them if they get rid of the iron.
Looking to the future, Hasbro needs to upgrade its transportation. There’s already a car if by ground and a battleship if by sea. But what about if by air? If I were a real estate tycoon, I’d take a helicopter.
The acoustic guitar? Please. Save that for the hippies on Connecticut Avenue. The cat? Sorry, pet owners, you already have the dog. You don’t get two animals in Monopoly. Go online to lolcats.com if you want your feline fix.
The ring? There already is one in Monopoly. It’s called the $75 Luxury Tax between Park Place and Boardwalk. Do we really want a symbol of taxation moving space to space on the board?
And finally, the robot. It’s a solid No. 2 choice. Sure, you can make beeping sounds while moving it and pretend to walk it property to property, or roll it if you think it has wheels like Rosie from “The Jetsons.” But it seems too futuristic. It doesn’t fit with the 20th century motif of its Monopoly brethren.
No, the future of Monopoly lies with the helicopter. Now fly me to my Free Parking so I can collect my $500.